photo credit: basibanget
Most people seek reassurance at some point or another. The vast majority of all people did this kind of thing on a regular basis as children. And when you have an anxiety disorder it’s almost like we are kids again in the sense that the desire to seek reassurance can be almost automatic. But why is this the case?
Well, the primary and most obvious reason is because anxiety disorder(s) create a tremendous amount of uncertainty. When we have a spike in anxious feelings or thoughts we become afraid, worried, and insecure. So naturally seeking reassurance on a constant basis develops as a reaction to all the stress and mental anguish that one has to endure when weighed down by excessive stress.
We tend to seek reassurance from people like doctors, parents, spouses and loved ones. We hound them with questions about our symptoms, fears, and even concerns about the future. In fact, some of us seek reassurance so much that it becomes an obsession. An obsession rooted in fear, one that comes alive because of our basic desire to understand what is happening to us; but more importantly to be consoled and told that we aren’t going to die or go crazy because of all the things we feel.
People in distress do lots of stuff, but seeking reassurance by those around them is natural and to be expected. And although this reassurance seeking behavior is not necessarily done on purpose, it can be problematic. It can cause a strain on our relationships, create isolation, and even lessen the effect of the reassurance we get. You can almost stop believing the person providing the reassurance.
Which brings me to the point of this post. I don’t want to say that the search for reassurance as a means of reducing anxiety is all bad because its not. Frankly, I think that getting rid of this behavior is not necessary and potentially not achievable for most of us. However, I do want to emphasize that it would be infinitely better for us to reduce the frequency with which we seek reassurance and instead learn to console ourselves to a greater degree.
Create more stress Paul? No not at all. Actually by reducing your dependence on others for peace of mind I think you exercise the very skills we all need to develop to cope successfully with anxiety. A good analogy would be a kid being dropped off at school for the first time. Their whole young life mom and dad were there to reassure and coach their child on how to cope with stress or at least unpleasant situations. Well when that kid gets dropped off at school they must learn to exercise the coping tools given to them by their parents. They have to eventually manage their emotions and find a way to calm their anxieties. What is the alternative?
This is a simplistic view of it of course, but the point I’m trying to make is that you cannot always rely on others to relieve your fear and stress. You have to learn to cope and manage your anxiety. In effect, you must learn to “deal with it”. Sounds cruel kind of. But seeking reassurance should be reserved for those times when things get out of control. When you are in a panic, or in the grip of some other anxiety induced hell.
This is important because when reassurance is not sought often it can be more effective and helpful when it is received in a more critical situation. It also makes the people you seek reassurance from more eager to help and more likely to give you more of their energy to help calm you down. Imagine how your so called safe people feel when they are badgered with questions and concerns on a daily basis. Don’t you think this could wear them down and desensitize them to your troubles? The boy that cried wolf comes to mind – at least their mind.
None of this is to suggest that what we anxiety sufferers go through isn’t hard. On the contrary I know first hand what anxiety can do and all the pain it can cause. Nonetheless, we all should learn to grapple with our anxiety a bit more and not be so afraid to challenge it and question the validity of our fears, especially the outlandish fears that spring up every so often.
So if you truly need it, then go right ahead and seek the reassurance you need. But remember to only take what you need and try to not overcompensate for the whole of your problems with anxiety. And in doing so you’ll be able to build up your anxiety coping abilities and also ensure that you don’t tear the fabric of your most important relationships. It takes time, but you should at least consider it.
In some instances as the author of this blog I have become the safe person for some. People that contact me with their concerns and questions receive my reassurance. Most of these folks are consoled and my short correspondence with them is usually very constructive. For example, just a few days ago I was contacted by a reader who needed some reassurance. He explained his situation and I gave him what I felt was good advice. It was all a very good, useful, constructive and sincere. It is completely OK to find someone to talk to from time to time.
On other occasions however I’ve had the same thing happen and I’ve seen it all digress into a never ending what if session. This type of thing is not healthy and in fact just creates and reinforces your anxieties. And remember if you let moderation be your guide, don’t use Google or the internet in general to inform yourself about things you don’t have, and believe in yourself you will be OK.
This is a really great post. I fully agree with it. I like how you are focusing on HEALING instead of coping. So many anxiety articles are about coping, symptoms, and coping with symptoms. It takes someone who has lived through it, and can take the time to share a few nuggets of wisdom to help show the rest of us the way out of this mess.
I am a frequent visitor to this site, (Especially of the “why having anxiety doesn’t mean you’re crazy” article, which is my worst fear and constant anxiety!)
and I think you are doing a really wonderful thing here!
I love this post and find myself reading it often even though it is an older one. I think this is my biggest problem with my anxiety and I know I probably tend to wear our people with my reassurance seeking. I am really trying to work on only doing it when I really need it as you said. I think learning to reassure yourself is definitely a key to coping. I know I will need to learn and practice it because I tend to run to anyone I can when I get anxious, but I’m the only one who can truly tell myself that the things I am anxious about won’t come to pass.
I also have the same problem. It started a few years ago when I had a terrible experience, so it probably resulted in a form of PTSD. After that it was very difficult, almost impossible to get over the need to be constantly reassured, until I finally went overseas alone for a few years and found that I after a little while found the strength to go through most of my experiences without getting reassured. However, I never was able to completely get over the need. It just got a lot better, so that I only do it every so often rather than constantly, and I seldom (maybe once a year or so) get into a panic over the need to be reassured and this is only with bigger things that would probably concern many people.
But I agree that sometimes this need to be reassured was a strain on some of my friendships, especially the closer friendships. I’d normally just go to one person, but it ended up straining that relationship a lot. If I ever did try to give that person a break from it and go to others instead, it could potentially strain things with them. One problem I’ve always found with it is that 1.I can get wrong advice, and 2.I panic if the person tells me something negative or doesn’t quite understand and cuts across what I believe deep down when I go to them. Then I might need to find someone else to “cancel out” what the previous person had said. Also, 3. I might find some people who just are the wrong people to go to, I mean they might not even be trustworthy or could be a little malicious (this is especially if I’m overseas and suddenly “stuck”.
Anyway, I’m quite a bit stronger now and only do this sort of thing occasionally, and not in as big or prolonged a way as before. But for me, trying to force myself to get over it or to do it less didn’t work. The thing that worked was wanting to do some important studies and travels overseas, which forced me to get over most of it. But even though I’m over most of it now, things were totally strained with that person I mentioned, who is the most important person to me and a family member, and who can’t believe that I’m really (almost) fine now since they don’t even give me a chance. I wonder if there are other suggestions, but for getting over it better (without having to go through more stress overseas or something similar) and with that person?
Thank you!
Thank you. I have driven away people with the constant asking.
GREAT post.
Thanks for your blog. I have suffered health anxiety for as long as I can remember and after a recent “attack” I found help in a psychologist. The first thing she has got me to do is to tell my husband he is to stop reassuring me….. I found this bizarre at first but on reading your blog and exploring the idea further I can see that his constant reassurance – which I thought was always helpful, keeps me coming back for me and in a way feeds my anxiety. I spoke with my husband and we both agreed that we’d never thought of it in this way and that this revelation will change our relationship. Not to say this will be bad or good or either but that we had fallen into these roles of me needing him to reassure me all would be alright and that i guess I had stopped being able to do that for myself. I actually feel very empowered in knowing that I had been doing this and am now working on believing in myself and trusting that all will be ok. Thanks for your great post.
My daughter is 17 and seems to need constant reassurance , so much so she is reaching out to boys to get it. They obviously are not mature enough to see this and may use her in the process.
If my daughter’s love language is to actually HEAR the words that she is beautiful, cool, her music is awesome, How does a young lady reassure herself..
Thank you for your kind words.
Vicky
Hey Vicky, How about an age appropriate book about self-esteem? If she won’t read it perhaps you can help her with what you learn.
what if neither of your parents ever instilled any kind of security within yourself..mom got sick whaen i was 5 and died when i was 11..she was so ndistant and tho i longed to be closer with her..she was too sick to respoond..i didnt know that at that time..but even earlier on before shew got sick i had very insecure issues starting to develop..and i sensed anger in her reactions with me for wanting to always cling to her..even was terrified of having to go upstairs to bed alone every night..and then me and my dads relationship was extremely enmeshed .he used guilt to try to control and i developed an eating disorder after mom died that he also tried to guilt out of me.,.i have TRIED my whole life to go on..failed job after job..chaotic, disastrous relationships after relationships…every dream ambition i ever had fell apart..i couldnt concentrate always felt so blocked..afraid on any interactions with anyone..even at work..no amount of therapy, psych meds or hospitalizations ever helped..now at 56 i feel a complete and totaal failure with life and people..azlways searching, longing for someone to fill that huge insecurity i never felt growing up..people say to me it has to come from within..well, there is nothing “within” me ..nothing to hold on to..no security, no self love..no stability..no peace..
Your post is specific to my situation. I have decided to stop seeking the reassurance of others and find in myself the same. From some of the comments on here of fellow travelers it seems like a muscle that can be exercised and progressively strengthened.
Coming from all angles and response to reading most of the articles, i have never seen so many people with problems.
Rule NUMBER 1- GET OVER THE NEGATIVE THINKING
Nobody likes a “Debbie downer.”Those are the toxic people that are to be avoided.
Rule NUMBER 2- You don’t need anyone to tell you how you” feel, think , what to eat, have sex with or with who. Hopefully the sex part is full of intimacy which has a huge part in how people are to one another and in their emotions of responses. Humans need to have intimacy and human contact to survive as a species. Mentally and physically.Its that being denied of the emotion and physical aspect that begins the insecurities.
You are your own person, you decide how you want to live.
You determine what makes you happy in life and how to “obtain those goals and try to stick by them “without having to constantly answer or ask ” am i okay?” That is what keeps people in the “hamster cycle of repeating day in and day out for acceptance.” Get out and meet new people.
Of course you are okay, its that “negative thinking that screws your heads up.”
The constant comparing ones self to another. No one is perfect, and if you think you need to be like someone else, then you are thinking Wrong.
No two people are the same , nothing on this planet it the “same.”
Everything in life is a cycle an organism.
It is what you decide in life to keep you happy, and no one is “happy 24-7 unless they are highly medicated and pretty much getting what is necessary in life; “food, shelter, love and acceptance.”
Humans have feelings as do all organisms. It is natural to feel “out of sorts some days, or not liked others feelings of inadequacy and jealousy , how life doesn’t treat people fairly.
That is correct. Life can’t be predicted. You can’t be made to fall in love, or have someone love you unconditionally. I feel that for the most part that feeling of acceptance and need to be accepted is a form of a disease that is developing in a person. Isolation, abandonment ,Ignoring of a person or another human. Are all factors that lead into that feeling. Ever hear the Quote ” being made to feel like a tool?” that is exactly what it implies. Something with a brief purpose,but not used frequently.
The only cure is to overcome the thoughts of being not liked or accepted. People will always be complete jerks and then their are some who aren’t. Stop complaining and worrying, and make the most of what you have with what you got for time being. “Their are many who are miserly and love nothing more than to see people suffer.” So stop abiding to their happiness and be humble with yourself.That is how the beast is killed. And like its been said ; if it doesn’t return the gestures or emotions, it wasn’t meant to be. And pretty much that is it in a nutshell. People need to walk around with more of a “take it or leave it attitude.” Why bother stressing on account you want to be liked so much. Even saying that sounds so stupid , say it to yourself a dozen times if you have too. You will see the result.
Why do we seek acceptance from strangers.
Thank you so much! I’ve not had a job for a while so I’ve kind of had so much free time to over think and I’m 20 right now and a lot is changing in my life my anxiety been so bad where I’ve told my self I have certain illnesses or dramatised certain things going on with me to my parents and I’m constantly on their case for reassurance and this article seriously makes everything going on in my life make sense! Thank you!!! Seriously thank you! I thought I was loosing my mind google doesn’t help either haha but it just made me realise I’m suffering with some bad aniexty right now and I need to suck it up! Thank you so much whoever you are this paragraph might not make sense but just know you’ve really made someone feel much better and confident! Ahaha thanks
Thanks this post has some where given me that reassurance which I was seeing v badly form past few days. And I agree & Will always remember that we should NT be emotionally dependent upon any one. People generally don’t take emotions seriously.
This was a great read and hit the nail on the head for me. Here is my issue; I am constantly seeking reassurance from my husband ( his love for me) and it’s really starting to cause problems and the more he doesn’t want to answer the more I want to ask. He works away and Several years ago he had an affair and I have forgiven him but I can’t forget and my questions to him are do you love me? Are you sure? Do you want to be with me forever? Are you in love with me? These are usually by text, as I’m typing I feel like a grade schooler asking do you like me check yes or no, but I still continue because the urge is so strong. I love my husband but I’m destroying us! I snoop at phone records and question that as well. Please I need advice, thank you