Usually I like to talk about tips and information that anxiety sufferers can use to cope with anxiety disorder. Today, however, I feel like ranting so that is what I shall do.
All of you don’t know that I have been writing less because I have gone back to school. You see, I obtained a rather useless bachelors degree in History and I have decided to obtain my PhD in a scientific discipline to compensate. As a result, I don’t have time to even watch a few minutes of late night television much less write blog posts.
This new reduction in free time has also made me focus more on all the things I hate, and at the top of the list is anxiety. I mean really, this semi disease really makes me mad, especially because I can’t break the code on it. I’ve been trying to hack this bug for over a decade with mixed results.
I think a list will better illustrate the things that piss me off the most:
1. I go to the movies less because I have mild paranoia. When I do go to the cinema I feel like there is a possibility that it will be blown up by a terrorist (dynamite vest and all). Now clearly this is absurd, ridiculous, and dumb all at the same time, but that is what my anxiety tells me. It’s a broken Spider-Man sense that conjures up fake realities at every opportunity.
2. This next thing is a huge one. I have not been drunk for over 10 years. During my college years I got drunk exactly zero times because I was too afraid to drink. And even today I cannot comfortably consume alcohol. Even whine coolers (wine coolers!!!) make me nervous. I used to drink and loved it, I just want to get buzzed every now and then.
Believe me I know the score on alcohol and anxiety. I am fully aware of the link between drinking and feeling nervous but I still want some beer.
3. I hate meeting new people. I can’t stand meeting strangers because of how self conscious I am. I am tremendously afraid of potential ridicule and people flat out not liking me. I know this sounds shallow, but I’m ranting and also being brutally honest.
4. I can’t stand that I can’t connect with my wife. My wife is a brilliant, beautiful, caring, and wonderful partner. And given all those qualities she has to put up with me turning her down for outings all the time and just plain acting like a weirdo. I handle going out just fine now, but I feel like I never have fun. Like I have some inner mechanism that prevents long periods of joy and happiness.
5. I am also exhausted. I am mentally and physically fried from all the years of anxiety and stress. I’m always worried, irritated, mad, and just unsatisfied with myself.
photo credit: JelleS
What is the most frustrating is that I can’t share half this crap with anyone. The feeling that “no one understands” is pervasive. My wife gets it, along with 5 text messages a day about new anxiety symptoms. But she can only reassure me so much before she gets a little tired too. And once she is fed up then I’m all out of sympathy time.
I know so much about anxiety that it makes me sick. I could grab a stranger and fill their head with information, jargon, and possible solutions for anxiety and yet I am still sick.
I hate that doctors have brushed me off, I hate that no one really understands the cause of anxiety disorders, I hate that anxiety gets no light in the national media, I just hate being nervous all the damn time. I live with a very low level, but ever present, anxiety and it eats me up.
I am simultaneously the nicest person you may ever meet, but also filled with absolute rage that I was born with this genetic and mental defect. I resent having to endure this pain but at the same time I love life.
Ultimately this is why I even bother writing this blog. Because I want to help people feel just a lot less anxious and stressed.
Don’t get me wrong I realize the good things in life too. I have come a long way since my first panic attack in 1999. I finished my preliminary education, I married the girl of my dreams, and I have a beautiful baby boy. I think I have things in clear perspective, but sometimes… sometimes I just get mad and want to vent and that’s all this is.
I am happy for you to vent. I know just what you mean about not being able to share how you feel even with those close to you. Sometimes we just need to talk about things without expecting someone to offer solutions where there are none. I do so enjoy your podcasts and am just getting into the blogs. Thanks for what you are doing to help the rest of us.
I hear ya on this. I felt like this all last week. I miss having a glass or wine or a pint or 2 or 3 with friends. And the happiness thing is a big one. I feel like I spend so much time just surviving and getting through things that I don’t feel happiness and joy like I used to.
There are some days/weeks where everything is hard. And it sucks. It’s good to vent. 🙂
Hey Paul,
Kudos for you brother. It’s good to hear you vent. You provide a great deal of very very useful information that is helping a lot of people cope better and learn ways to help themselves that after a while we maybe forget you really have it too and you are human being. not just a voice box providing useful info. Thanks for relating on a level we can give back to you.
Thanks for the kind words everyone. I was not sure how this post would go over, but people seem to get my frustration.
The last thing I want to do is have a pity party, so instead I just vented my long standing anger.
I think the fact that people are responding to this post just indicates how mad people are about having anxiety.
I’m with you guys on this everyday, I guess I wanted to emphasize that.
I can recommend CBT. The sooner you learn to accept everything that happens, and not try to fight your own mind, the sooner you will recover. By the way reassurance only feeds anxiety. It doesn’t seem as if you know everything!
Feel the exact way and that’s why Bing returned this page for me to read. Feeling trapped, drowning, no control, point of no return, possibilities,….