Today marks the sixth anniversary of my father’s passing. Some people say that they develop anxiety after trauma or loss, but I already had anxiety for about 3 years when my dad passed. Ironically when I heard the news, and for sometime after, I was free of anxiety. I suppose I was numb because I could not accept the idea of losing someone I loved so dearly.
When my dad was alive I never told him that I had problems with anxiety. I was afraid that he would look down on me, as if I was weak. I remember having minor panic attacks around him and trying my hardest to hide it. It wasn’t like you couldn’t tell either.
I would get super quiet and try not to engage anyone in conversation. My dad would ask what was wrong and I would simply look to the ground and mumble, “nothing, nothing is wrong.” I was way too concerned with what he might of thought about me having anxiety, so he never knew I struggled with it.
In retrospect (of course) I wish I had talked to him about it. It’s always helpful to talk to people close to you for advice, but also for comfort. When I was a kid I was rarely allowed to jump into bed with my parents, but when I was I never felt safer in my life. That’s the kind of comfort I wish I would of had during the early days of my anxiety disorder. I believe that I ended up suffering a lot more than I needed to. I hardly told anyone, and when I did I couldn’t say much because it made me nervous to talk about my nervousness!
Anyway, after my dad’s passing I was going through his music collection and came across a bunch of cassettes. I popped a few in the tape player and realized that a lot of the songs were ones I had heard growing up. The song A Horse with No Name was one of them. When I hear this song I think about my dad, but I also think about life in general. It reminds me of what I said about life when I gave his eulogy.
What I said was that you will only see a finite number of sunrises, sunsets, rain storms, smiles, etc. Life is short and fragile and even in the midst of your anxiety, when you are so tempted to make everything about you and how you feel, don’t forget your life. Don’t forget to do things that make you happy and most of all don’t stop being thankful for the days you do get. When you wake up be happy you awoke and make the best day you can, no matter what.
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