In my 20’s I would often become gripped with fear because of frequent panic attacks, but instead of trying to reach out to people, I’d sprint to my bed and lay there for hours waiting for my anxiety to go away.
But this was a horrible idea given that a lack of social contact, especially in times of high stress, erodes your physical and mental health in a way that makes anxiety stronger.
In fact, you’re more likely to reinforce negative thought processes or even develop brand new fears when you spend too much time alone.
Every time I ran away from the world because of anxiety I gave it power, which allowed it to grow out of control. What changed my situation more than anything was reaching out to other people.
First I started by talking to my girlfriend (now my wife!) and sharing my wacky ideas with her.
Later on I started talking to my mom, my sister, my brother, and even a few friends. Eventually, I ended up speaking with a psychologist who helped tip the scales in my favor.
Strengthening my social support system was a crucial part of getting better.
Some of you might wonder if this is even possible, because isn’t that going to out you as “crazy” or something along those lines?
Listen, the tough guy thing only works in the movies. Everyone has problems of some kind or other, yours just happens to be related to anxiety.
What if a friend came to you during a divorce? What would you say? “Tough cookies amigo, I can’t help you with that!”
No. You’d try to help out, even if that meant simply listening to that person tell their story.
There is at least one person among your friends or family that would certainly do that for you if given the opportunity, right?
There is true power in human connections and it should not be overlooked.
Developing a strong social support system has some clear benefits.
Here are a few:
1. Reduction in negative perceptions. People in your “circle of trust” will hopefully call you out when your ideas are far-fetched.
They can help bring a more realistic view to your anxiety riddled ideas.
2. Increased use of coping skills. If you’re in therapy and/or taking medications having someone there to support and encourage you can serve as an enormous motivating factor when it comes to reaching your goals.
3. It’s good for your health. Isolated people have poorer health outcomes when compared to people linked to others.
The bottom-line is that you’re not alone. Even if you tell yourself that you have zero friends or family there is still someone out there willing to help.
It could be a therapist, a priest, a rabbi, a free help line, whatever, people are out there. The only reason why you would stay alone is because you choose to be.
The hard part is telling someone that you need help, trust me I know, but it can and should be done.
In this week’s episode of The Anxiety Guru Show I interviewed Tanya Peterson, author of the novel My Life in a Nutshell, to help me explore the importance of having a strong social support system.
Listen to this week’s podcast and comment below!
I call BS on this one. Not buying a bit of it.
Well, thanks for offering alternatives!
Paul – i agree that we are all social beings by divine natures. but when one feels isolated, i still believe solitude can be helpful. The anxious feeling can be a direct result of medication and alternatives to psych meds should be explored. They are not the panacea for anxiety. Our American culture is
programmed to rely upon the dogma of psychiatric medication, which i feel is the wrong approach.
Hey Jeff! Good point. Meds are certainly not a cure-all. I agree 100%. With regard to isolation, I’d say that limited isolation isn’t the worst thing in the world. The only problem is that if this is a your go to solution you could easily increase anxiety and “what if” thinking.
Hi Paul,
I totally agree with what you are saying, in my head but can’t get there in my gut. The thought of sharing my constant feelings of uncontrollable panic with anyone makes me feel weak and physically ill. So much going on all at once I wouldn’t know where to start. My son has recently been charged with a criminal offence and I may never see him free again. Marital discord, a new grand child, aging parents, in school getting my degree… All at once and just too much. No way to relax let alone focus on any one thing in my life. The worst part is hearing people say to me how strong they think I am and that they wouldn’t be able to handle it… Tried counselling. He seemed to want to talk about my childhood more than today. Meds put me to sleep, which is good except they are working less and having to take more now, hard to work the next day. I find the articles interesting but I’m hopeless.
Hey Sharon,
Good on you for at least trying standard treatment. In terms of counseling, the reality is that you have to find the right fit. Plus, now that you know what you don’t want, you can be clear about what you do want to address in counseling. Also, if counseling isn’t for you, you can also find someone you trust to talk to. Not so much to dump on constantly, but at least to periodically share your thoughts and get some feedback – some support. You are going through a lot and I would hate for you to continue on that track all alone. Hang in there!
Excellent advice Paul! I have only just started the ‘reaching out’ after shutting myself away for the last 18 months. Sometimes it’s hard to do, to take that first step (I’m talking each time here – old habits die hard), but I always feel better if I make tthat effort. In doing so, I actually found out that my Mother In Law has been suffering from some pretty big anxiety issues herself all her life – so now we are closer and can have a chat and for BOTH of us, anxiety doesn’t seem like the demon quite to much that it used to be.
I have a therapist too – and a CPN who I see once a week or can call if I feel that the ‘wheels are falling off’. We don’t generally get allocated a CPN for anxiety disorders in the UK, but as I am not receiving medication the local CMHT thought it would be a good idea so that I can ‘check in’ with my mood. I am very glad of this as the alternative for most is to drop a Diazepam or two (I can’t believe we are still using benzo’s here as a crutch – and yeah, in the long term too, even though this is against ‘official guidelines’).
My advice is to talk to someone you know preferably, and someone who you can form a connection with. I have to say that helplines made me feel a bit hollow when I tried using them – there is usually little or no follow up but they DO vary, so maybe give it a go and ESPECIALLY reach out and make that call if you find yourself in crisis and alone. They will know what to do to help you access the help you need right at that time to keep you safe.
Sorry to be a serial poster Paul but I just wanted to share this if anyone is reading in the UK. I am a big believer in therapy, and if you are in the UK and are not able to access this through the NHS, go the to Anxiety UK charity website and become a member. You can then access a fully qualified and approved private therapist in your area within 5 weeks at a greatly reduced fee (reduced even further if you are on a low income or in receipt of welfare benefits – really, you will be VERY surprised how low the cost is)!
Hope you don’t mind me sharing this here, Paul! I just think it’s important to pass on anything that could help other sufferers toward their recovery.
The best part about reaching out is finding out that you are not alone. I found out that anxiety and panic attacks runs in the family. My brother has it, my Aunt has it, my grandmother had it, my cousin has it. Just knowing that has help me greatly.
Paul couldn’t agree with you more on this. Anxiety’s greatest power is in isolation. Although a social network is not a “cure” per se, it certainly is a component in healing and overall health. Great blog piece.
I concur Christopher!
I think the stigma around mental issues makes reaching out to other people difficult. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else’s business and are also not that clued up on mental health issues. I am on meds at the moment and have an appointment for therapy on Thursday. Hopefully things will improve and I can start on my recovery.
That’s a good point Allan. It’s true that for various reasons you might not be able to talk to a friend or family member. But that’s one reason why therapists are useful!