This question is not as random as it seems. I posted a link to an article today that talks about the possible causes of anxiety and one of them was childhood upbringing.
So, did our parents cause this mess? Did our parent’s behavior, demeanor, or other character trait somehow create little anxious monsters?
Let me just say up front that I’m rather skeptical about this particular claim. Mainly because the parenting-anxiety link is believed to be related to either "over protective parents or uncaring parents". This seems a little too convenient don’t you think?
Not to say that our parents don’t mold us in some very serious ways, but if your childhood wasn’t just right anxiety is to follow?
I recall my childhood being rather average. With respect to this theory my parents were the "cold" type. My mom and dad never really hugged, kissed, or played with me very much but I always felt loved. Does that make sense?
I always knew that my parents loved their kids and sacrificed a great deal for them, so I never felt neglected or hated.
I suppose we should take a poll. Did you have emotionally indifferent parents or overprotective parents? Could this have anything to do with your anxiety?
In my view the whole blame the parents argument is weak at best, but I do understand why some researchers would try to make the link. My parents may have indeed contributed to my anxiety but only on a genetic level.
You know my dad never played ball with me, built things with me, or did anything else with me, but I don’t think he made me anxious.
I think every anxiety case is different as is the individual with them. In my case, there is with out a doubt knowledge that my parent’s parenting style contributed to my anxiety. As an adult now the way they communicate, etc. sill contributes greatly to the anxiety.
One thing you did no mention was genetics. If parents do indeed have an anxiety disorder and say never realize it or admit, treat it, etc. then they are genetically passing it onto you- which is the case for me. My parents come from a time where they don’t even believe in such things, so how can they admit they have them themselves and thus have the gene that was passed to me?
I have yet to meet someone with anxiety who’s parents did not play a role in some way and no I’m not playing the blame game here- I’m just stating facts.
Kelly, I think you’re right. Genetics do play a huge role in how anxious a person might become.
But I was referring more to how parents behave and how that behavior may affect anxiety in children.
But again when it comes to anxiety we almost have to include genetics in the conversation.
Paul,
Yes I agree with parents behavior affecting children which is why I mentioned how my parent’s parenting style affected my anxiety in addition to the role of genetics. I think it’s usually a combo of the two.
My parents raised me on a healthy dose of threats and yelling. They have since mellowed out considerably.
But I remember very clearly my very first panic attack when I was in the 5th grade stemming from not finishing my homeowrk early enough and fearing the wrath of my parents.
I have only re-experienced this kind of anxiety recently and it also has much to do with work and fear.
Do you think there could be any correlation between the way I was brought up and my recent work anxiety?
Hey Gina, hope you’re doing good today. To answer your question I don’t necessarily think that your childhood built the kind of anxiety you feel at work. I think it’s more complicated than that.
Of course parents, work, friends, etc can stress us out and agitate or bring to the surface anxiety that is already present.
In this way I don’t think that parents and work create anxiety, but they can trigger it. Does that make sense?
Yelling and screaming at anyone can evoke stress and anxiety. But the kind of anxiety we feel, i.e., panic attacks and the like, is simply abnormal and is related to much more than our relationships with people.
Remember that people can make you feel lots of things, but never, and I mean never, let them affect how you feel about yourself.
I feel like my parents contributed to my anxiety through that toxic combination of genetics and experience. I know now, after much online research that my mother suffers from an acute anxiety disorder. She also suffers from IBS which I know she passed on to me, since I was diagnosed at age 6, a common side effect of anxious people and those prone to anxiety disorders. I was a victim of what is called ‘helicopter parenting’ in that they were almost TOO loving and caring and protective. I think I was born with an anxiety disorder, because I can recall into my nursery school days being a very nervous and careful child, especially with regards to my bowel disorder and it’s effect on my social life. I grew into a complete control freak, and wanted everything in my life just-so. After a particularly toxic fight with my current boyfriend, I realized I had a real problem, creating issues where there were none, and out of fear, I did some research. What I found shocked me. Now, I actively combat the symtpoms of my anxiety disorder with regards to controlling everything around me, and I’m trying to be less bossy or combative with friends and family. My mother is still in denial as to her condition and has made no change, so I have to now adjust the way I interact with her to prevent arguments that would worsen my own condition. It’s a sad situation really, especially when you can help yourself and your child and just freely choose not to. I feel that for that, my mother is a very selfish person. I would acknolwledge my problem if I knew it would help heal the relationship between me and my own child.
Your upbringing contributes grately, however it also depends on every individual. I grew up in a pretty disorganizeg family: my father was an alcoholic and every night the same story: my parent would fight and stuff like that. This was always a great deal of stress for me so it`s pretty obvious why I have anxiety (also genetic, my father had it as well). So yeah, your parents can cause you to be anxios when you´re an adult but that doesn’t mean that you can’t change the way you treat anxiety because of its onset. I learned how to accept that my childhood wasn’t the best and how to get over it. My anxiety is still very much present but I know I can get over it and break that anxious link to my childhood.
I do think parents can contribute to fear.. You aren’t born with fear it’s something you learn.. Eg. Parent screaming when they see a spider, or been nervous going to the dentist etc.. And I think alot of my anxiety & problems come from my parents, especially in my relationship..
I definitely think your parents have an effect on if you develop anxiety.
In my childhood, my father was controlling of my sister, my mom and I. He had weird rules like “daddy’s always right”. I grew up lingering on each word he said, always listening and not thinking for myself. He was overprotective and made us fearful of little things, like walking to school together (my sister and I). He would tell us that bad people would kidnap us. That’s one example of many – his fears caused him to isolate us. I never developed coping skills until I lost my mother to cancer as a teenager. I was never taught coping skills so yes, I guess in my case, anxiety rapidly developed (even though I feel it began slowly as a child), and now I struggle with it everyday.
For the parents to be of some blame, I think it’s need to be like the “perfect storm” conditions… Just so happens that was my childhood.
Attachment theory describes this well. Check it out on Wikipedia. It’s one of the most studied aspects of psychology. Parents who emotionally neglect their kids (not playing with them, not giving them attention, or giving not consistent attention) lead to a lack of a “stable base” in the child. This insecurity (either avoiding others, or being clingy), persists to adult-hood, and is what causes anxiety. It can also cause panic attacks, OCD, and other anxiety disorders. It may not seem like a “big deal” but it is. It’s emotional abuse. You don’t need to be screamed at or beaten to be seriously abused. It causes your brain to process things differently than “stable” children, and your levels of stress hormones are higher overall. This makes you more reactive, and it’s easier to have your stress boil over (into any kind of anxiety disorder). Emotional abuse, including being ignored (or inconsistent attention), not begin allowed to have feelings etc., is one of the most harmful things you can do to a child. But it’s a cycle that’s passed down — so if your parents were ignored/minimized, they’ll feel strange for giving you attention (as a child). Until the cycle is broken (through therapy and self-development), it WILL continue. My therapist told me that most anxiety issues are caused by emotional childhood abuse (ALL abuse has emotional abuse at the center…a broken arm from sports doesn’t leave emotional damage, but a broken arm from an angry parent attacking you does). I didn’t realize I had been emotionally abused, because my story was similar to yours. I was told often that I was loved, and they had sacrificed so much for me — those are the words of codependent or narcissists by the way — e.g. “you owe me, for me doing so much for you.” Unconditional love is a totally different experience, and it results in a calm mind and body that are stow to startle and react to stress. Check out some of the studies. They’re really cool. Therapy helps a lot, but the books “toxic parents” and “healing your emotional self” provided me the break thoughts to begin to change my brain from insecure to “secure.” It’s possible to change it, through hard work, as our brains luckily can be healed, thankfully!! 🙂
I totally believe I am the way I am and have insecurity & anxiety issues due to A.Genetics & B. Environment! My dad was an over the road trucker! He was gone a week and home a week! You can’t tell me a child would not have a little anxiety hoping their dad would come home every week! Not to mention when he did come home my parents fought and the I had to play referee! Everything makes sense now! By the way I love this Anxiety Guru site! It’s my go to in times of need! Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the feedback Suzann. Sounds like you’ve gained some pretty important insights. I hope it helps you to build a solid understanding of anxiety and yourself, which will ultimately help you to build a lasting solution to your anxiety problem.
Try going up in constant chaos, fighting, criticism and being judged.
Mother trying to commit suicide. Not allowed to be a kid, fears and feelings mad worse or ignored. Not trying to get sympathy here, but yes it messes one up. Some kids brush off parental dysfunction and some absorb all of it.
Then there is genetics to. I agree with the general idea you are making. But your comment that the argument is weak at best is a little naive and insulting to those of us who grew up in a war zone. Open your eyes and wake up a little.
For me it was definitely environment:
1. I was mercilessly teased and bullied from Kindergarten to my Senior Year in High School.
2. I have Tourrette’s Syndrome and, from ages 13 to 22, was put on a medication that made me a mental basket case.
3. Both my Mother and Step-father thought I was just an immature kid who needed more physical disclipine.
4. My Step-father physically and mentally abused me from ages 9 to 22.
5. I was sexually abused, all during 4th Grade, by a girl who lived up the street – she even had friends who would help her abuse me.
6. My biological father, and Step-mother, emotionally abused me when I would legally have to visit them every summer.
7. My grandparents thought I simply needed to be disciplined more.
8. I tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions yet, fearful of my parents, I always chickened out at the last minute.
9. Sometimes I would fantasize about killing my parents when the abuse got really bad.
I am living proof that the environment you grow up in can have a really nasty effect on you later in life.
My dad is very overprotective. My mother passed away when I was young so it’s just the 2 of us. I’m 22 now and every time I want to do something I have to take a step back and calculate my dad’s reaction to it. It has come to a point where it’s stopping my social life from growing and it’s making me feel lonely and depressed.
I panic every time I go out and wherever I go I just keep thinking about my dad. I fear I’m not growing anymore. Even though I know he loves me a lot and i love him too but it’s starting to deeply affect my future and my life. I tried to talk to him about it but nothing changes. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I had a single mother who was basically a helicopter parent, always clinging and worrying about things. She had a quiet way of scaring me, a certain look in her eye of pure disgust and dislike that made me want to curl up in a ball and cry. Stupid, useless and other even harsher synonyms were common insults so I would push myself to be “Not stupid and useless” I pretty much tied my entire self worth to school at my own mental and physical determent on top of this she was and still is quick to anger so I felt uncomfortable coming to her about anything resulting in a tendency for lying about a lot of things. When loosing a glue stick can end in a tanned hide its easier to say it broke
I find it slightly insulting and disrespectful that your stance is that poor parenting does not cause anxiety in children, yet your example is a home you grew up in where you felt loved and your parents made sacrifices.
Ones upbringing isn’t and excuse to play the victim card if that’s what your getting at.
But for example in my case being raised by divorced addict parents who reverse the parental role and lean on me as an only child, manipulate, bag each other out so your constantly defending the other, and are both completely self absorbed so they’re never there for you, and yet everything is always my fault. Emotional neglect along with high responsibility and high expectations… That causes issues.
Can I do something about it, yes. I’m not a victim, it’s my life and I’ve made healthy choices to work on my anxiety but yes, it was my upbringing and possibly some genetics that play a good role in my mild anxiety.
Children need to be raised with the tools and mechanisms to cope with challenges of life. If parents don’t expose and teach children these tools they often grow up with bits and pieces missing. If parents put excessive pressure on a child or adult child, yes anxiety, OCD and similar issues can be a result.
Anxiety exists in all of us as a response mechanism to threats in life. The level to which our anxiety is triggered and how we learn to cope with that depends largely on our surroundings and life exposure- parenting plays a big part.
While I do understand your argument about genetics and I’m almost positive that my anxiety originated from my parent’s genes, I do think my upbringing did contribute a lot. My parents are very narrow-minded and any opinion I had was shot down so severely that I had anxiety attacks anytime my parents tried to have a deep conversation with me. My mom especially is very forceful and would disregard my opinion as if I was stupid in any conversation we had. I do believe that the condescension I got from my parents in any conversation made me anxious to ever have an opinion. I didn’t think it was my parent’s behavior until a psychologist came to talk to me at school because I was considered high risk depression. Even today I can’t have a conversation with my mother, she’ll call me dumb and that my opinion is invalid and I will get severely anxious.
You are the most ignorant person on earth if you think parents dont have any i fluence over the developpement of a child
I got panic attacks as I grow older (I still get panic attacks from time to time) especially when it comes to communicating with others – situations that involved others.
My father likes to make decisions for me – what I should wear, who should I befriend with, how I should do this or that. But one of the reasons why I get so many panic attacks is that he would always insist that my friends come to stay at our house. Not for a day or two but for a few days. When we have guests, he would tell me to this or that and left me to deal with the guests alone. I have to make sure that they are fed, handle their laundry and make sure they’re happy with their stay.
I hate that. My friends’ chore becomes mine. And it gets worse when I have something else, something important to do and I can’t focus on that. It’s stressful, it’s excruciating – it just gives me so much anxiety. I get anxiety every single time he opens his mouth. I worry what else he wants to say, what else he wants me to do – what else he wants to say that would kill me inside.
When it comes to others, I can’t just say, “Sorry, I don’t want you around. I have to take care of you while you watch TV and use my belongings and make yourself like you’re at your own home.” – They’re my friends and it’s just so exhausting.