Today’s post was written by former anxiety sufferer Elisa. I am grateful to Elisa for sharing her inspirational story with us here at AG. Don’t forget to visit Elisa at Averageyogini.com and share your comments with her below. – Paul Dooley
My Own Brand of Anxiety
My name is Elisa, and I’m an anxiety sufferer. I say “I am” rather than “I was” because the way I see it, anxiety is a little like alcoholism.
Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, even if you’re not currently drinking.
I AM an anxiety sufferer, even though I haven’t suffered from anxiety in over eight years.
Anxiety disorders run in my family. It would be weird if I DIDN’T have one. Name a phobia, I’ll name you a family member. Generalized Anxiety Disorder? You got it! Panic? In spades! Hypochondria? You bet.
So it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that anxiety would find me, especially after having uprooted myself (and my husband), sold all my belongings and moved to Europe to get an MBA. But find me it did, and it hit me hard.
I’ll never know what triggered it, I suppose. Things were going well. My academic life was going swimmingly. I had plenty of interviews with very prestigious firms lined up for my MBA summer internship.
Sure, our funds were dwindling more quickly than I expected, but all in all my husband and I were not in a bad place.
And then one day, on our way back from a ski trip with a few classmates, from the backseat of our friend’s car I began getting this feeling that I couldn’t breathe.
So I took a deep breath. My lungs filled up with oxygen, and I immediately thought… “Oh my God, I’m not breathing properly?”
So I took a deep breath again. Again, my lungs filled up just as they’re supposed to, and again, I panicked, intensely focused on my breathing.
It had gotten dark and the mountain where we’d gone skiing outside of Barcelona felt a little remote.
My friends could tell just by looking in the rear-view mirror as I kept clutching my chest and taking long, drawn out breaths that something was bothering me.
We got to Barcelona fairly late that night, but despite my not turning blue in the face and passing out from “not breathing,” I made my husband take me to an Emergency Room.
Once there, they checked my vitals, confirmed they were completely normal, handed me some anxiolytics, and sent me home.
I can’t remember whether I took the pills or not. I’d had panic attacks before but I’d never been one to take medication.
The funny thing is, people think it’s because I think I’m too good for it, but it’s actually because I’m afraid of it!
I don’t like the feeling of not being in control of my body, and I don’t like anything that causes me to fall asleep before I’m damn good and ready to close my eyes and do it myself.
The next day was no better, and the days and nights that followed got progressively worse. I stayed home from school for a few days, thinking it would help. It didn’t.
My mind darted from worrying about my breathing, to worrying about someone breaking into our apartment and kidnapping me, to worrying about avian flu because I found a dead pigeon outside our balcony.
What started as an uneasy feeling and irrational thoughts began to snowball into a constant feeling of dread, and eventually continual physical stress. Anxiety was my faithful companion, day in, day out, 24/7, no matter what I did or thought about.
Like many people, I’ve tried looking up anxiety symptoms to “inform myself”. Really I was doing it just to confirm one more time that what I was experiencing was in fact anxiety and not Multiple Sclerosis or an aneurysm… or a stroke…. or some other horrible disease that no one had been able to detect.
From the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed, I had shortness of breath, tightness in my chest, light-headedness, and many of the other lovely, classic symptoms of anxiety.
While researching, I never did find this one symptom, though, that haunted me the most throughout the time I was plagued with panic disorder.
It was like a very heavy weight had settled on my head, around my neck and on my shoulders. And then the crying set in. And the sinking feeling that I would somehow never find my old self again.
I developed a fear of eating. I was certain I would one day ingest something – new or familiar – that would cause a severe allergic reaction and send me into anaphylactic shock.
This DESPITE having had an allergy panel done and having found nothing but a mild allergy to grass pollen.
I began to lose weight – and I was fairly thin already. At the bottom of the barrel, at 5’4” I weighed 100 lbs – at 30 years old, that was 20 lbs less than my high school weight of 120. I looked terrible.
And I felt terrible. My husband didn’t know how to help me. I called my family back home every night crying. My parents didn’t know how to help me either.
And then finally, after reaching out to anyone and their mother who might have an inkling about how to make this anxiety go away, I connected with one of my cousins on my father’s side. Everything changed after that.
Therapy – The Light at the End of the Tunnel
Most people who try to help you through an episode of panic or anxiety will either dismiss your fears as irrational, or hold your hand, coddle you, and tell you everything will be okay.
That it’s just a panic attack and that things are going to be fine. That you are not, in fact, dying of avian flu / going to get kidnapped by terrorists / in danger of being hit by a nuclear bomb any time in the near future.
My cousin did something different. She shared her own story with me (I won’t tell it here – that’s her story to tell), having recovered from her own kind of anxiety many years earlier.
She also recommended a “tough love” brand of Brief Strategic Therapy that focuses on behavioral changes to help anxiety sufferers find their happiness again.
With the luxury of time behind me and many (8 now) years of reflection, I can clearly distill these behaviors into three principles that I continue to apply in my everyday life to keep anxiety firmly in its place: independence, non-avoidance, and acceptance.
Those are my own words, rather than how my therapist would have described them, but the spirit of these concepts remains.
The therapy, which lasted about eight sessions over the course of several months, was less about discovering the root of my anxiety and more about creating behaviors that disrupted the vicious cycle I found myself in.
My therapist – her name was Adela, and her office smelled like PEACE – would meet with me during these sessions and give me exercises to carry out between one meeting and the next that were designed to create new habits reflecting the principles I highlighted above.
I wasn’t allowed to ask why or delve too much into the mechanics of it all, but for some reason I trusted this method from the beginning and jumped eagerly into my exercises.
Eight sessions and many exercises later, I could finally breathe again. The mental symptoms began to abate first, and then the physical ones. I found an occasional spring in my step again.
The depression subsided. My outlook on my life changed, permanently, and when I finished my MBA in the spring of 2007 I felt doubly accomplished in what I’d achieved.
I’d climbed out of a deep hole, on my own, and had finished my studies just as I’d set out to do two years earlier.
Here’s how it all unfolded:
Independence – No One Can Save You But You
Anxious people (or at least this anxious person) tend to reach out to others for help in their worst moments. Well-meaning friends and family offer to hold our hands as we encounter something that makes us anxious – just to take the edge off.
We call our friends and relatives to ask for “advice” on our anxiety. I say “advice” in quotes, because really what we’re looking for is validation. Validation that what we’re experiencing is just anxiety.
Validation that our thoughts are irrational. Validation, even, that we’re making the right choices in our lives – whether it’s about our anxiety or not.
The first thing I was asked to do in therapy was to not under any circumstances discuss my anxiety with anyone but my therapist. If I was afraid, I had to keep it to myself. If I was having a crisis, I had to slog through it on my own.
The one caveat to this was that I was allowed to have a journal where I could write out my thoughts – stream of consciousness – whenever I felt the need for release.
My husband was brought in to this strategy during our first session with the therapist, and he tentatively agreed, and then consistently stuck with it.
He didn’t ask me whether I felt anxious when he saw me fretting or wringing my hands.
He just sat silently and watched me as the hand-wringing rose to a crescendo and then slowly died down.
I didn’t figure this out until later, but reaching out to others for reassurance did nothing but create co-dependence and fuel the irrational fire of my anxiety.
If someone said, “don’t be silly,” I’d think, “what do they know?” If someone offered to get on the elevator with me, I couldn’t get on without them the next time.
Relying on others was useless at best, and it weakened me at worst, making me feel incapable of managing even the most mundane details of my life without depending on somebody else.
It was important, in the end, for me to go through my treatment “alone,” so my victory would be 100% mine. So I could know, in perpetuity, like I know now, that I am capable of dealing with anything (even avian flu) on my own merits.
Non-Avoidance – AKA “Facing Your Fears”
The particular school of therapy I followed is founded on the idea that avoiding the things that cause you anxiety confirms your fight or flight response and increases your anxiety levels toward that particular thing.
Another vector of my treatment was making sure I didn’t avoid anxiety-inducing situations when I encountered them naturally, but rather, that I go about my business and engage in these activities if they came across my path.
For example, if my husband and I went out to dinner, I shouldn’t run screaming from the seafood place, or take the stairs to the 14th floor to avoid the elevator.
During my therapy, my best friend got married on the West Coast of Mexico. It presented a great opportunity to put non-avoidance into practice, given my fear of flying.
Being a bridesmaid at her wedding would require my getting on a 9 hour flight from Barcelona to Dallas, and then on a regional jet (read: TINY) from Dallas to Cabo San Lucas.
I gathered my courage, and bought a ticket. And with some tips and tricks from my therapist, I got on the airplane.
My mission, should I choose to accept it, was to make myself as uncomfortable during the flight as possible. I had to pick an itchy sweater, agonizing shoes, ill-fitting underwear, or anything I could muster up to ensure that I would be uncomfortable throughout the entire flight.
Why? Because anxious minds tend to fixate, and if you give your brain something else to fixate on, it will leave the negative thoughts that trigger your anxiety alone.
I chose to wear a corset. It worked like a charm.
Of the three principles I’ve described, I think this one has served me the most in my post-panic disorder life. I go after what I want, even if I have to go through something uncomfortable to get it. I always ask the question, despite fearing I won’t like the answer.
I try new things, go to new places, put myself out there, without a second thought to my comfort zone.
And I fly. I still occasionally cry while doing it, but it gets me where I need to be – closer to my loved ones. I leave the corset at home now, though.
Acceptance – Your Feelings Won’t Kill You – Even if They’re Unpleasant
Acceptable was the hardest of the three, and it took a long time to get it. It was also the most liberating once I got there, and the single thing I credit for tipping the balance of power in my favor.
Throughout my crisis, I had many fears. But the thing I feared most was never going back to “normal”. Never again having a life where anxiety wasn’t constantly present.
Feeling crappy, always. Everything I did – it was to get rid of my anxiety. All the other exercises, I followed them to the letter so I wouldn’t be anxious anymore.
The thing that really set me free, though, was coming to the realization that even if I NEVER went back to normal – that was ok too. I had a husband and family who loved me.
I lived in Barcelona, for Pete’s sake. Anxiety would be a burden, but it would be a burden I could bear. It could make me feel like crap, but it wasn’t going to kill me and it didn’t have to control me – not if I didn’t let it.
I had to get to this epiphany on my own, but throughout my therapy I was unknowingly going through exercises to drive this point home.
I only remember one of them, and it went something like this: a couple of times a week, I had to find a quiet place and set aside 15 minutes where I wouldn’t be interrupted.
During those 15 minutes I had to think about most frightening things I could conjure, and try as hard as I could to give myself a panic attack.
Week after week I thought long and hard about the worst things I could picture. You name a horrible situation, I thought about it.
I thought about it INTENSELY. The thing is, though, if I kept trying to chase a thought, it would ordinarily get away from me long before the 15 minutes were up.
And without knowing, I’d find myself laying there thinking about sunflowers and puppies, having failed miserably at giving myself that panic attack that was supposed to materialize.
Without my knowing, I was creating a habit of embracing anxiety, on a weekly basis. And by embracing my anxiety, I was undermining the mechanism that allows it to manifest, removing its hold on me permanently – or at least as long as I’m still willing to embrace it.
The Journey Continues – The Aftermath
The physical symptoms of my anxiety didn’t subside immediately after therapy ended. It took a while – months, I think – for me to feel completely normal again. Time passed.
Things happened. I got a high-stress summer internship. I got pregnant. I had a miscarriage. I graduated from my MBA and got a full time job. We moved to London.
I had a son, and nearly died in childbirth. Life kept happening, with all its ups and down, but the panic – the full blown panic I’d experienced – never came back. And even if it did, now I know how to get rid of it.
I’m not going to lie. I still get anxious about things. I can’t remember the last time I had a panic attack, though – it’s probably been years – but I still hate to fly and don’t care much for enclosed spaces.
Still, I get on airplanes and ride in elevators as much as I need to. I eat seafood. And peanuts. I’m not always happy with things, and occasionally I will stress about something and have it twirling around in my head at night, preventing me from going to sleep.
So I go to yoga (it’s been a Godsend), and I play with my son.
Or I go for a good run and drum up some endorphins. And I’m happier and more fulfilled than I’ve ever been before. I was right about one thing, though, in my dark thoughts in Barcelona.
I never did find my old self again. I found a new me, though, and she is SO MUCH better.
Do you have a story that you want to share with the AG community? If you’re interested in spreading hope and knowledge send Paul an email at info@anxietyguru.net.
Matt says
This was a fantastic article, thank you so much for sharing it! I think an important point to note is that anxiety is not something to be eliminated. I liked that you put in the part about still having some uncomfortableness flying, etc. I think the majority of the population has anxiety like that, which is normal!
I haven’t recovered yet, but I’m slowing getting a better understanding and have made some strides in finding out how to get out of this (which is exactly what you described). I’ve had GAD and Panic symptoms over the past 2 years. The panic itself has subsided quite substantially, but intrusive thoughts are the bane of my mental health right now. I just found out, through a poster in this site, that intrusive thoughts aren’t just OCD, but can also be due to GAD and depression, which I think will end up putting me on the right track to actually getting better. I need to treat all the symptoms I have the same, with acceptance, non-avoidance, and independence.
Thanks again for the post, it really meant a lot!
Elisa V says
Hi Matt,
I’m glad you liked the article – and grateful that Paul graciously allowed me to use this platform to share it with all of you. It was quite cathartic (as you can probably tell by how much I wrote). If my story can help just one person get a new perspective on their struggle, that will make me really happy.
For what it’s worth, the exercise that was most effective at helping me keep unpleasant, recurring thoughts at bay was regularly setting aside time to try to conjure them up. For some reason trying to stop these thoughts always made them blow up in my head, but trying to fixate on them had the opposite effect – I ended up thinking about anything but.
The other thing that’s worked wonders for me – which I didn’t mention too much in my post because I know it’s not everybody’s thing – has been doing yoga. There’s something about getting into a bunch of really awkward poses one after another that forces you to think about nothing else but the poses you’re trying to get into. It gives me a respite from the stuff I’ve had swirling around in my head – at least until my head is good and ready to not have stuff swirling around in there anymore!
Best of luck to you, Matt, and have a great rest of the week!
Matt says
Elisa,
Thanks for the reply! I’m finally making some progress on recovering, and what you just said makes perfect sense. It seems to me that there are many processes that people who have recovered have described in order to get better. While they all tend to have different viewpoints or terminology, the techniques all seem to be the same. I think you’ve perfectly distilled the essence of recover, which is taking responsibility (something I didn’t do for the first year of my anxiety), exposure (which I’ve always done), and acceptance (which is the hardest part, and the part that got me stuck).
I’ve noticed that by practicing mindfulness and reading your post as well as anxietynomore.co.uk, I’ve been able to get some space from the nasty anxiety “symptoms” (intrusive thoughts, panic symptoms, etc.) that have plagued me. The biggest help I’ve noticed, which ties in with yoga, is getting your mind to stop focusing on anxiety when you have a thought or when you’re feeling anxious. For example, if I have an intrusive thought, my initial reaction is to question it and be anxious about it, but if I force myself to just focus on something else (which I’ve found is different than suppresion), I start to place less importance on that thought. I think Yoga ties in with this perfectly, as it’s about sharpening your mind’s ability to focus, which comes in handy when the only thing your mind wants to think about is anxiety!
The part that I think I’m missing and which you have described is the added exposure. I don’t consciously shy from situations, though I find that in some social situations I subconsciously engage in avoidance behaviors which I’m actively trying to correct. I’m going to ask my therapist about adding in 15 minute “worry” sessions in the day where I just let my mind have it, and try to become as anxious as possible. I think this would increase the speed of my true acceptance, which seems to be the thing that takes the longest to get!
Anyway, that was a super long post about myself, but your post hit home and helped confirm that I’m on the right path, while also giving me hope that someday I will be “normal” again(what is that, anyway! LOL)
Thanks!!!!
Lesley says
Thank you for such an inspiring and helpful article.
Leanne says
Hi Elisa,
I suffer terribly from fear of anaphylaxis. Everytime I eat it is at the back of my mind. Some days worse than other. I only eat when I have to, which is an awful way to live. I have cut many foods out of my life for fear of having an reaction. Still hoping for the day I can let go of this, but I’m really struggling with trusting myself to know if I’m having a severe reaction and getting help on time. I feel as though I’m walking around with a sword hanging over my head that could drop at any moment. It does make me feel better to know that someone has felt this same fear. Thanks for sharing.
Leanne
Kelly says
Hi Elisa,
First, let me start by saying that I am so happy that I found this site! Secondly, while I have thought of commenting on some of the other blogs found here I haven’t actually found myself typing one until I read your story. I think it is mostly due to how much this reflected my personal story as well!
I AM an anxiety sufferer as well – that realization was a strong one! I had anxiety years ago and somehow it just went away and I was free for many years and I thought I was golden. However, in the past year a series of events occurred and BAM! guess what was back and worse than before!?! Yay! Ugh! I’ve found myself feeling some of the same symptoms, but this time there were new symptoms that of course worried me more because they were different then what I had gone through previously.
I have always been afraid of medications as, like you, I do not want to lose control of my body. So when my anxiety started up again my doctor prescribed lorazapram, but it just sits there and acts sometimes like a security blanket (like if it gets really bad I will take it, but I never have found myself taking it because I am afraid of what it will do, hence the thought of actually taking it increases my anxiety). I also developed the wonderful sense of anxiety when eating, but I do get relief from that and in times that I am afraid I just force myself to do it and find that I do enjoy it and – shocker! I feel better! I will always be afraid of flying, but I tend to conquer that fear by sheer force of making myself do it. I do like the corset idea though 🙂 I definitely get the intrusive negative thoughts which is the hardest thing for me to overcome at this point. I appreciate the comments about this subject and will put into motion some of the coping mechanisms ASAP!
Anyway, to make a long story somewhat shorter…I am taking vitamins and exercising (need to start doing yoga again though – yet another point that hit me as when I was doing yoga before I did not have the lovely anxiety I do now..or that it was more controllable and did not affect me as much).
I was curious though, how did you find your therapist? It sounds like a particular kind of therapy that perhaps a specific search would increase the likelihood of finding someone that would be able to do this?
Thank you for your story – sometimes the way to start feeling better is just realizing you’re not alone and that others have felt similar things! I know there is hope and recovery. Your story definitely helped me realize this! Thank You!
Elisa V says
Hi Kelly,
Sorry it took me this long to respond. I didn’t have email comments enabled on this thread so I didn’t realize there was a new comment.
This isn’t going to be too helpful, I’m afraid, but I think the Universe (if you believe in that concept!) brought me to my therapist.
I’d started going to another guy first, and I was really turned off. It was all talk therapy, root cause analysis and trying to interpret my dreams. It just felt extremely unhelpful so I stopped going.
I mention it briefly in my story, but at the time I was also telling everyone I could think of about my anxiety just in case somebody out there had a cure for me. It turned out that a relative of mine had gone through a pretty tough time with Agoraphobia, but she’d somehow found this slightly unconventional treatment and shared the name of one of the founders of this school of thought with me.
Long story short, I looked the guy up, I found some books he’d published, read a couple of them, and then found an affiliated therapist in Barcelona (where I lived at the time) and started going to her.
My therapist was great – very nice and capable woman – but I actually think it was the methodology that made the difference.
Anyway, let me know if you have more questions. Stop by my blog and/or shoot me an email – I’m more than happy to provide more info.
All the best,
Elisa
Geoffrey says
Hi Elisa,
Do you have the name of the book that you read for your therapy. I’m very curious to read it.
Thank you !
Margie says
Great article!! I love the end. Made me cry. I’m
Currently on a journey similar to yours. And realizing with hope I may end up better than I was before. What a great thought!
Christi says
I just ran across your post. I currently have the shortness of breathe a the time.
I cry all day and dont see an emd in sight
I have just started lexapro and start therapy tomorrow.
Thank you for your story. I cried through the whole thing as i just wamt my life back
Celena says
Thank you so much for posting your article. I accidentally stumbled upon it when I was researching methods of coping with anxiety and it was by far the most helpful thing I read.
For the last year, my anxiety skyrocketed and I’ve become a full blown agoraphobic. I can barely function inside my home and I can’t allow myself to live this anymore. I need to do something productive to get myself out of this funk. So thank you for sharing your experiences.