Today’s guest post is brought to you by former anxiety sufferer Jon Jones. Jon began his struggle with anxiety and depression over 18 years ago. And after years of struggling he’s learned how to overcome these two challenging conditions. — Paul Dooley
Being confident and feeling great about yourself are two qualities that make life deeply satisfying.
You have a spring in your step and a twinkle in your eye. People you meet are swayed by your natural charisma and charm.
The good times are better and the bad times not so bad.
You can take any problems life throws at you on the chin and plow forward to reach your goals with optimism and in high spirits.
Socializing becomes enjoyable, and people become attracted to you as you have the confidence and self-esteem to just be your real, genuine, fantastic self.
Being a sufferer of anxiety and panic, these qualities can seem out of your grasp. You feel hopelessness, despair, and maybe even shaky to the core.
Your mind is full of doubts, what will people think of me, will I perform at work, will the economy
recover, and so on.
So the first step in building confidence and self-esteem is learning how to manage your anxiety.
Getting Started
By learning how to deal with yourself in difficult situations that normally cause you to panic or experience anxiety your confidence can begin to grow.
Although you may still be shaky at first and experience anxiety you still managed to get through the situation and make it to the other side.
And this is what you must focus on, the fact that you were able to do it. By learning how to deal with yourself and not the situation you regain control.
By taking action and overcoming your personal battles you will begin to feel good about yourself. You´ll start having good feelings inside you.
Even simple things like walking down the street, going shopping or reading a book will become more enjoyable as you are more relaxed and have a deeper sense of satisfaction.
A Developed Skill
I´m not going to kid you and say that you can instantly develop bullet-proof confidence.
Like anything worthwhile in life you need to work on it. Confidence is grown by repeated practice.
Like a golfer who has learned to perfect his swing by constant practice at the driving range is confident in his abilities, so you too can develop your confidence in dealing with yourself by repetition.
By constantly exposing yourself to situations that normally cause you anxiety the fear dies down.
I´m not saying to grit your teeth and push yourself into anxiety causing situations, but rather to not avoid them. To go into them willingly.
This repeated exposure over time proves to yourself that you can do it. And true confidence can emerge.
But first you need to learn techniques which will allow you to be able to deal with yourself. I used to panic at the thought of different stressful situations.
My confidence was so low and my self-esteem was very weak.
But I no longer cringe at the thought of such things as public speaking, going to social events, or talking to strangers.
And this has all been down to the repeated exposure to situations which I used to dread.
I have built up my confidence of such situations by learning how to deal with myself, and not feed my anxiety.
The techniques that I have used to help me deal with my anxiety are all on this site. I can now do things with a feeling of inner strength.
I no longer doubt myself, but have clarity and purpose.
And it feels great to have this freedom. It has a very enjoyable feeling of lightness to it, as you can make your way in the world with a sense of ease and comfort.
Speak Up
One thing about confidence is that you can´t wait for it. You have to strive for it. Push the boat out.
Don´t wait until you feel confident before doing something, act and the confidence will come.
Although you may feel nervous, take a deep breath, exhale slowly and then speak up.
By doing so you will prove to yourself that you can do it. And will start changing your self-image seeing yourself as a confident person.
You can speak positive to yourself as much as you want, but there is no substitute for action.
You have to firmly decide that you are going to work on being a confident person, and take the necessary steps to becoming so.
So next time you in a anxious situation take a deep breath, let go of yourself, and grasp the nettle, and speak up. Then you will see that you can do it.
That the anxiety you were feeling was false, you were able to do it. And the sense of satisfaction you will feel will be amazing. You will feel fantastic.
There´s nothing better than proving to yourself that you can do things.
Keeping a Journal
A great aid in facilitating this is keeping a journal. In your journal you can write your thoughts for the day.
The moments you felt anxious and what you did to deal with yourself.
You can write down how you felt before you entered a difficult situation, the symptoms you had and the thoughts you felt.
And then you can write about how by dealing with yourself and not the situation you were able to successfully cope with yourself.
By building up positive memories of instances when you coped with yourself and got through situations which seemed very difficult at the time, then you are building true inner confidence and self-esteem.
And next time you enter a difficult moment you can recall these times. This will give you confidence, because if you have done it before, and you now have proof that you can do it again.
It is as if you have a personal cheer-leader standing beside you rooting for you, ¨saying you can do it!¨
And the beautiful thing is you can, because you already have done it many times before.
By constantly exposing yourself to different situations, writing down your successes and reminding yourself of how you were able to deal with yourself before then that little voice which once whispered ¨you can do it,¨ now starts to shout it out loud.
Feelings and thoughts of confidence become second nature, and come to you automatically. And you truly become a confident person with true self-esteem.
And the great things is the more you do this, the more reference points of success you build up the more your confidence and self-esteem will grow. It will snow ball.
So start today, by next week you´ll be more confident and feeling better. And this will continue next month, next year and well into the future. Because these personal achievements happened.
You faced what you thought were difficult moments, dealt with yourself, and proved to yourself that you could do it. So just imagine what other great things you can achieve!
List Positive Things About Yourself
Putting things on paper is a very powerful thing. The mere act of seeing your thoughts on paper and reading it has the effect of ingraining it further into your mind.
So make a list of your achievements, positive attributes, compliments and past praises that people have given you.
This also provides you with evidence to enable your confidence and self-esteem to grow and flourish. These things you have on your list are facts.
They happened and you did them! So when you are feeling low in confidence or self-esteem you can prove these feelings wrong.
When you have a thought of ¨I´m a loser¨ or something similar, you can think of your list and that time you had your boss congratulate you at work, or when you cooked an amazing meal and your dinner guests asked for seconds.
By getting into the habit of thinking of a positive thought when you think of a negative thought then you can make yourself more positive, because you can pick your moral up immediately by flipping it around.
Work On It
Being a confident and high self-esteem person is something you have to work on. It´s like gardening.
You need to start planting some beautiful thoughts in your mind. If not then negative weeds will grow.
Make it part of your routine to devote ten or fifteen minutes a day to work on your confidence and self-esteem.
You can read over your journal, and your lists mentioned above.
Also in quiet moments such as traveling to work, or waiting in line at the supermarket remind yourself of your positive points and achievements.
Doing so will develop a habit of positive thinking in your mind, until it become second nature to you. But you need to constantly work on it. If not weeds will grow.
So, by doing the different tips I have mentioned true confidence and self-esteem can emerge.
No longer would you be feeling inferior or timid. You will be able to walk tall, have an inner smile, and truly connect with people you meet.
A new sense of being will come into your life! Life is fantastic. And by developing true confidence and self-esteem you will also feel fantastic!
To learn more about how you can deal with anxiety and panic you can download my free eBook here.
Do you have a story that you want to share with the AG community? If you’re interested in spreading hope and knowledge send Paul an email at info@anxietyguru.net.
Paul, I really enjoy your site and have learned a lot from it. The question I have though is this: what if you push yourself to go through those situations and fail? What if you can’t make it through without running away? This just reinforces my lack of self-esteem and confidence. I am at the stage where I need to do this, but have not been able to so far. And yes, I have learned all the tricks and tips to control my anxiety, but sometimes they don’t work. Any further advice?
Thanks!
Hi Sheila,
My name´s Jon and I wrote this article.
I have suffered from anxiety for 15 years, at my worst I had agoraphobia and very bad social anxiety. But now I just get the odd bit of tension from time to time, so I want you to know that I have been where you are, but have learned to manage it successfully, to the stage where I am no longer plagued by it, it no longer inhibits my life.
To answer your question. ¨what if you push yourself to go through those situations and fail? What if you can’t make it through without running away?¨ To answer this question fully I would need to know that you are doing as you enter a difficult situation.
Are you trying to control how you feel, to control your physical symptoms, your anxious thoughts, and feelings? Do you grit your teeth and face things head on, as if it is some challenge that you need to fight your way through? Do you try and force your way tensly through situations? Are you trying to ¨push¨ as you say? Or are you trying to gently, ease yourself forward effortlessly?
I used to grit my teeth to deal with each situation, and try and fight through it. However, after reading more about anxiety, particularly Dr Weekes´ books, I, after a lot of practising, stopped all the forcing. I, as Weekes says, went ¨around the mountain instead of over it.¨ I started going into situations willingly, I let go and said ¨let be what be.¨ I stopped trying to deal with the situation and focused on DEALING WITH MYSELF.¨
First you need to understand that the physical symptoms you are experiencing are due to a tired nervous system which is over-responding to your emotions. That these symptoms although they appear scary at times, are absolutely HARMLESS. They have never, and never will harm you. It is your fear of them that is maintaining them.
To use an anology, I remember when I was younger and used to play football. There was a team trust building exercise where players would be put into pairs. One would stand in front of the other, close their eyes and fall back. The person behind him would have to catch them to stop them falling to the ground. This built trust in your team mates.
And it is similar with anxiety, if you let yourself ¨fall¨ you won´t hit the ground. You won´t fall over the edge. Because there is no edge to fall over. This is the bluff.
¨Ride the wave,¨ as Weekes would say! And ¨find the eye of the storm.¨ The symptoms rage, the anxious thoughts happen, maybe you have feelings of unreality and so on. But let go of yourself, keep in the moment, float forward, and deal with yourself. Don´t try and control the situation, focus on controlling yourself. Focus on not fighting, focus on not feeding yourself fear, focus on facing, on letting it happen, on floating forward to it all.
Even if the situation is still shaky as long as you managed to deal with yourself by facing and not fighting how you felt but instead letting it all be, then it is a move in the right direction.
And you can build on this. Even if for just some small parts of the situation you coped with yourself by implementing the right techniques, but then you resorted to fighting, still remember and focus on the times when you were in the sitiation and dealt wth yourself the right way by facing and not fighting. Focus on the positive, even if all of the experience wasn´t positive. Don´t be a perfectionist. Instead have the mindset of practising and learning.
For example maybe there was a social situation you had. Lets say speaking to your neighbor, at the start of the interaction you were nervous, thinking to yourself, ¨what will I say next, what do they think of me.¨But then you let things be, focused on deep breathing, staying in the moment, letting go of yourself, on not fighting, and floated forward, and then the second part of the interaction was more successful. It is this second part, or the positive part that you need to focus on!
As an anxiety sufferers, it is natural to focus on the negative part, the part where you felt overwhelmed, but make the habit of focusing on the positive.
That is why keeping a journal and regularly reviewing your past successes is so important. It remnds yourself that the anxious thoughts you think are a bluff. Let yourself fall to the ground, like in my football exercise anology, because every time you will automatically and effortlessly catch yourself!
There is no battle to fight. No situation to overcome. Just let go. Stop even trying to control yourself. Fall, cause you will ALWAYS catch yourself!
I am now confident in social situations, meeting new people, speaking on the phone to strangers, going to social activities. It took time to become like this. To build up my confidence. It´s a marathon not a sprint. Take one day at a time. Be easy on yourself. You´ll get there Sheila!
I hope this helps!
Jon
Hey Sheila, that’s a very good question. My question to you is what do you have to gain from pushing yourself into situations that make you feel nervous? In my view you have everything to gain. It’s true that social situations can trigger fear and so it makes sense that you (or any other anxious person) would rather avoid this feeling. However, what does this strategy of avoidance cost you? Hiding from the world limits opportunities of all kind. Plus, in my experience when I’ve pushed myself into social situations and survived I always felt a sense of pride, I guess you could even say confidence. Of course when you start out you want to take baby steps and build up your ability to participate in social settings by starting small. Over time you can try new venues and push yourself to stay a little longer every time you try. Fear of failure is normal. But I encourage you to imagine what your life would be like if you were able to do things socially that seem impossible right now. And aside from building confidence I think you also challenge the very foundation of your anxiety when you venture out into the world, which does lot to decrease anxiety overall. If I can do it, I know you can too.
Thanks so much for the article. Great tips. I am at the point where I don’t avoid any situations, I’ve learned to face anxious situations and people head on, and I feel 80% better. However, I’m still hanging out with physical symptoms like mild vertigo and headaches most days. Most of the time, I stay positive and bring them with me and they don’t bother me much. Other times, I just cry and want to feel better. Then, I climb back on the crazy hamster wheel for a few days, and begin researching ways to “rid” myself- like finding the deep rooted cause (newest one is mercury/fillings after a way too expensive naturopath and extensive bloodwork). This all sets me back and makes me more anxious for awhile till I can pull my head out the fog. Well, part of my head sort of always stays in the fog but there’s always the idea lingering in the background that there must be a root cause that I need to address. Overall, I’m a pretty confident person. Most people have no clue I deal with physical symptoms of anxiety daily. I don’t know. I guess I feel like I deal more with just the physical symptoms and no big fears, except a little scared of feeling kinda crappy but not too crappy for the rest of my life. Do you think one of my symptoms is some ADD?!! This response has not central theme whatsoever. Feeling stuck at 80% I guess for the last year or so. Grateful for progress but thinking what I could do to feel better, aside from the journaling, gratitude practice, healthy eating, acceptance and lots of exercise and meditation. Maybe I haven’t truly accepted it if I want to feel even better?
Thanks for the answer Paul. I guess my main question is…everyone says to do the things that make you nervous and when you succeed, you will feel victorious and gain confidence…what I’m asking is what do you do when you face those challenges and DON’T succeed? When your best efforts still don’t work and you have to retreat. This just lowers my self esteem.
Hi Jon! I didn’t see your response at first, just Paul’s (sorry, Paul, that I repeated my question).
Thank you for responding Jon. I have Claire Weekes books and read them over and over, so I understand what you’re saying. I am still “gritting my teeth” as you so aptly put it…even thought I’m trying so hard to just let go and float and all of that. So, I guess I just need to keep practicing. One of my main problems is that I hyperventilate and get very stiff, so it sometimes makes me have to stop…I feel I can’t go on and it’s also very embarrassing.
Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.
So much to say after the RAM article! First, thank you. Sometimes I feel like I’m so alone with my anxiety. That “no one”understands what I go through…this site, and particularly this article, reassures me that I am NOT alone in my struggle. Forgive me, but I’m going to express a lot…I am female, 57. For the last 3 years I have been experiencing “high” anxiety. I had/have a series of things that happened/are happening that have created a perfect storm. While I understand “everyone” goes through diffucult times, I’m frustrated that I don’t seem to handle things as well as others do. Emotions are totally hightened. To make a long story short, this is what I have experienced during the last 3 years: – 4 deaths (dad, uncle, aunt, friend); mom still in nursing home bedridden with advanced alzheimers; wedding of husband’s daughter meeing his ex for the first time 1 month after my father’s death; 2 trips to FL (I’m in NC) to see my mom (very hard to see her that way-I can’t go into the nursing home yet, just go to the window and see her-my brother understands and helps me); menopause symtoms (I’m sure made worse due to the anxiety) and due to my anxiety, I was not treating my husband well, so homelife was awful (I have in the last 3 weeks changed that realizing it was nothing about him, it is about me and my struggle and frustration (projecting onto him). I hated that he was okay and happy and I feel so bad and life kinda stopped for me. I want nothing but to have my “old life back”. Also, I went through a depression due to my dad but I feel that is certainly lifting so that is good news. I do believe though that it was and is the anxiety that keeps me from full recovery from depression…I feel I’m 80% back with the depression, but the anxiety is still so very present. So, while I understand that I have some good reasons for anxiety, I still beat myself up about not going with the flow and just “get over it” already. During the last 3 years I have also done a lot of soul searching (I read this can happen with the onset of menopause-you reevaluate your whole life. Boy have I done that!) I did finally seek a therapist, but because of my fear of doctors, I found one that would Skype with me. I did a few sessions last year and stopped. But returned. Have done 3 sessions the last 6 weeks and found that I was only continuing to beat myself up for ALL my past mistakes if life and left the sessions so anxious that my nervous system has a very hard time calming down. So I made the decision to stop ruminating on the past and “let it go”. Well, trying to let it go. That is a whole battle it itself. I have had true remorse, have tried to repair where I can and try not to repeat any other these mistakes. Mostly, I still working on forgiving myself. I am trying to focus on living now and forward. So I totally “get” the part of the RAM article about building self confidence and feeling good about me. That is a huge part of me staying negative. I have also made the decision to accept and give love….it is so very hard right now, but I am determined to change…talk about anxiety! Change can create so much of that! So anyway (this is huge), my fear of doctors started when at age 30 I lost my husband to cancer. Since that time and all the visits and bad news, I’m scared to go to the doctor. So what I have done this week was to make a list of about 4-5 doctors (eye, dentist, therapist, GYN, etc.) and just go to the office and stand in the foyer for 1 minute and then leave. I did all in one day and my legs felt like jelly at the last one. My question is, am I doing a disservice to my nervous system? My therapist says I’m “kindled” and it can and will dissipate with time, but if I’m trying to tackle these “fears” and keep adding fear am I going about this in the right way? I also feel that the menopause plays a huge part in my adrenals. I want to go about this “tackling” in a healthy way. I don’t want to take drugs or hormone therapy because….you know the answer….I’m scared of the drugs. I keep feeling like I can beat this on my own if I go about it the right way. I do eat pretty healthy and when I have energy I walk and do some yoga. This decision to tackle my fears is very wearing on my energy level, which can be low as you know, due to anxiety . Any feedback is greatly appreciated. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOU DO!
Hi Jon! Thank you for a very inspiring post. I saw in your reply to Sheila that you too were very inspired by Dr Weekes’ work. I bought Self Help For Your Nerves when I was very ill and in denial about what I was suffering from, and therefore didn’t read it! I am reading it now and have to say that it is wonderful – Paul certainly shares Dr Weekes’ message about recovery and has the same encouraging and warm style (as do you)! It was tough for me in the beginning as my anxiety was caused by a near death anaphylaxis after which I had some sustained health problems. When I got my first panic attack, I didn’t know what it was and wrongly assumed as I had a flushing feeling and tight chest that I was having another episode of anaphylaxis. So – what did I do? I injected with my epi pen! Yes, I FUELLED it with more adrenaline! This happened one more time, and after this and after spending the night in coronary care (all was well fortunately), my GP spent time with me and we discovered what was likely the problem. Panic attacks! I felt so foolish. And scared – I was sure those terrible feelings at the time HAD to be a life threatening emergency; each time it felt very much like the beginning of anaphylaxis! I am now receiving treatment for my anxiety, as well as phobias to foods and medications which have developed since the anaphylaxis. It’s a very tough road to recovery and the help I needed from the NHS was not easy to access at first. I can honestly say that it was Paul and his wonderful podcasts and blog that showed me that I CAN recover when I thought all hope was lost. Every day is a challenge, but it’s no longer a fight because now I challenge my negative beliefs instead of getting into a fight with fear. I hope with time I am winning!
Hi Sheila,
Sometimes it is difficult to accept and deal with yourself the right way. Maybe you had a long day, didn´t sleep much the night before, or were more stressed out than normal. Whatever the reason you dealing with yourself won´t be perfect all the time.
Don´t dwell on your so-called failures. Instead focus on what you did right. Your successes. This is why strongly advise having a journal where you can record moments of success, and then reviewing this journal daily or as often as you can to reinforce your successes. And thus help you build your confidence.
About Weekes´ method, one thing I did wrong for a while was to practise and then always look for an imporvement, I was almost obsessed with doing the method. But the right way to do it is to face, accept etc and then get on with life, do the activity you are doing, whether its reading a book or doing the washing.
And if youre not doing anything specific, for eg if you sitting at home looking out the window, then let yourself day dream, or think thoughts as you would normally. Try to practise but go with the flow at the same time. Your body and mind will look after themselves, without your constant checking. That is if you are dong this, Im guessing you may be.
I know it sounds easy to say but really it doesnt matter if you are hyperventialting in front of people. Who cares! It is just you breathing fast. If you want to breath fast then do so! Who cares what other people think! You would have to meet a very stupid person who would criticise you for breathing fast!
If you get stiff, let yourself be stiff. Practise quietly and do whatever activity you are doing without dwelling. This is the key. To do things despite how you feel. When you start dwelling too much then you give your symptoms significance. Which they dont deserve. Give your sympotms no respect. Practise and carry on about your day!
I hope this helps!
Jon
Hi Marie,
What an inspiring post you have written! You are very brave.
Keep educating yourself about Weekes´ method, reading this site, and develop your confidence.
Take note of your success, and review them as often as possible. I can´t say how powerful this has been for me. It reminds you of what you can do and also when looking at earlier diary entries you will see how far you have come!
Best,
Jon
Hi Jessie,
What you´re going through would be tough for anyone, whether an anxiety sufferer or not!
Try to have faith that you are stronger than you think you are!
Please try to take things one day at a time. and try to deal with YOURSELF not the situation you are dealing with. This is all you can do. Things will improve with time. What you are going through is temporary. Try to be strong and go forward through the challenges you are facing in an accepting way!
The key word in all this is acceptance! Accept that you are beating yourself up. Accept whatever mood you are in and let yourself experience that mood. It is transitive. It will pass, but you must be willing to let yourself feel however you feel for it to pass!
I hope your situation improves!
My warmest regards,
Jon
Thanks Jon…I think I’m guilty of that too…constantly looking for a big improvement and then being depressed and more anxious because I don’t see it. I love her theory and think it works so I do work very hard on it, but maybe too hard!
Thanks for all the great advice and encouragement you provide on this site.
Thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement, Jon!
It means a lot. I am now working with a wonderful psychotherapist too who totally ‘gets’ it as far as anxiety is concerned. I am certainly going to start keeping a diary too to help me remind myself of what I CAN do when I hit those bumps – great advice Also sending much love and encouragement to my fellow anxiety sufferers – we can do this and we are in the right place here at Anxiety Guru. Paul and Jon are the ‘genuine article’ so you know we are getting the very best advice! Just keep taking those baby steps and remember not to beat yourselves up too hard – not every day can be a good day but we can move forward to our recovery, I know it!
Thanks to Jon and Paul for all the advice!
It is very helpful.
You’re welcome Janelle!
Hi Sheila,
Try to accept that you are in this state. Stop actively trying to get out of it. Instead focus on what you can do DESPITE how you feel!
Keep working on your confidence!
Best,
Jon
Hi Marie,
Glad to hear your happy with your counsellor!
Yes, the diary is vital. We so easily forget our successful moments.
Keeping a diary which you regularly review will reinforce your moments of success and remind you that you can cope with yourself.
Then your confidence will be so high that you will know and believe that you can do anythig despite how you fee. That you can cope with yourself.
Then you will see that the anxiety and panic, which at time may seem like a tiger going for you, is just a timid little kitten that runs away when you say ¨boo¨! 🙂
Best,
Jon
Hi Paul
I just listened to your latest podcast and want to tell you that your information is the best that I have found regarding how to deal withanxiety issues. It is helping me quit a bit and I am a fairly new subscriber. Please continue doing your work…it is making a difference in people’s lives, mine included. Thank you for caring and your sincerity. Awesome work.
Thank you Jon for the words of encouragement. I actually found what you wrote more helpful than anything my CPN has told me to try. I will take your advice to heart and learn to do the same. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety since I was around 18. That’s just under 20 years i’ve been suffering and never seem to find the right doctor or CPN who has gave advice like you have yourself. I also want to come off the medication i’ve been on for years. Thank you very much again, its gave me a confidence boost.
Hey, I enjoyed this post – I like the “keep a journal” idea. I keep a prayer journal – it seems to make sense to keep one for negative thoughts about myself so I can see them coming on and nip them in the bud woth the technique found here-
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