You’re probably not always confident about your ability to be okay. And I understand why. You are filled with doubt, negative anticipation, and fear, which isn’t exactly a recipe for confidence, right?
When you’re calm you can tell yourself a hundred logical reasons why you are going to be okay, and in the moment things feel manageable.
But the minute that anxiety knocks at your door, you freeze and wonder if this is the end – the day that your worst nightmare comes to life. This happens for several reasons, chief among them is the fact that high anxiety is not within your direct control.
That’s why being struck by anxiety usually feels like an ambush, because it operates primarily through the same system that controls your heart beat – it kind of just happens.
This, of course, is scary. Your lack of control fosters racing thoughts that usually culminate in two simple thoughts that jump into your head at almost the same time and they are: “I’m okay” or “I’m not okay.”
The problem is that the human brain has trouble holding two opposing thoughts at the same time. This leads to something called cognitive dissonance, which is a form of mental tension.
It’s often what’s responsible for your avoidant behavior as you strive to dodge situations that could trigger anxiety.
But those aren’t the only issues. You also have to contend with the fact that anxiety is super negative. I imagine that if anxiety were a person it would be the type to complain about everything.
All this taken together makes anxious thoughts stand out in your mind. However, that doesn’t mean that you have to listen to those negative thoughts.
In today’s episode of The Anxiety Guru Show, I explore what you can do to boost your confidence and win the fight against cognitive dissonance.
I discuss:
- The role that low confidence plays in high anxiety
- How to understand your anxious thoughts
- Why you feel out of control when you’re anxious
- What steps you can take to believe that you will be okay
Listen to The Anxiety Guru Show…
To listen, you can click the listen button below or visit my iTunes page.
Isn’t searching for an answer when there is no reason for the anxiety a bit counter productive? Won’t excessive scrutiny create some sort of phobia?
That’s the thought process I have gone through enough time and it’s torture. ”Why am I feeling this way and how can I fix it?” is a dangerous thing to ponder. You may en up in the wrong hands. Trying miracle diets, joining weird groups, reading contradictory material; These are all in search of the key. I’m not sure it’s ok to do that. Sometimes there is no reason other than there are reasons for hiccups or an itch. Sometimes it’s just there.
I appreciate the conclusion you added. I personally feel your colleague is oversimplifying, no offence.
About your email person, I didn’t want to take medication either, but it did help me and still does tough it’s not magic.
Keep up the good work!
Hi Sarah,
Thanks for the thoughtful comment. I really appreciate it.
So, I am not advocating searching for an answer for the origin of your anxiety per se. After all, there are many, many reasons why people become anxious to begin with. It could have been genetics, trauma, drugs, whatever. So there isn’t a one size fits all solution, either.
That said, I do encourage people to examine their fears and whether or not they are based in truth. To me, unexamined fear is the worst kind. If you don’t challenge your fears doesn’t that imply that you are then willing to accept anxiety as is without trying to determine, understand, if how you experience it and what it causes you to think and believe is legitimate?
Excessive scrutiny will not end in phobia, that’s what anxiety does all by itself, rather logical examination of anxious thoughts, beliefs and behaviors decreases fear. It allows you to determine if you really need to be as scared as you are.
Of course, the anxious persons natural inclination will be to not explore, to not know, and just bear with it. But, in my humble opinion, this isn’t a good way forward. Why surrender to anxiety so completely?
Yes, looking into your anxiety is hard, no doubt about it, but it’s also where you find reasons to not fear. It’s where you will see anxiety for what it really is instead of what you imagine it to be.
And you know, I agree that sometimes there is no reason for anxiety (feels that way anyway). But that’s not my point. I am not splitting hairs over causation, what I am saying is that once anxiety is present it is more helpful to confront it, kind of like you do a school yard bully.
At some point I got sick of the emotional beat downs, and tried to seek not an answer to the “why” question, but rather “what.” As in, what am I really afraid of? What is anxiety really going to do to me? Is what I am doing in response helpful to me? That’s how I think of it anyway.
Thanks again Sarah!
Hey Paul. This is a tough topic to tackle. I completely understand Sarah’s response.
I am motivated to get better more than I can possibly express. For years I have been going through a sort of anxiety evolution – starting as bewildered, and now finding myself well educated on all issues of anxiety. Despite all that I know rationally, I still tend to get caught in anxious thinking loops that make life hard. I don’t hide away or avoid anything, but I often suffer quite a bit while I’m doing the day to day things life requires. I have lots of symptoms that once freaked me out, but now I can totally accept all of the physical symptoms. I see this as incredible progress.
What my challenge is now is dealing with the anxious thoughts that have become such a strong habit. I have tried many things to slow or control these thoughts – like questioning their validity. What I have found is that anything I do to try to feel better in the moment does not work for more than a few minutes. Like you and Valarie said “what you resist will persist.” I believe this completely.
Recently I have been practicing something new for me. Actually deliberately moving towards anxious feelings when they crop up (which is a lot). I not only let myself feel the fear, but I offer no resistance at all. No breathing techniques, eft tapping, progressive muscle relaxation, Ativan popping, etc. I am experimenting with trying to deliberately increase anxious feelings with no expectations of relief. For quick panic attacks it is pretty easy to do, but for the more general feelings of dread and fear it is a little harder to focus an increase. What I have found is that this moving towards anxiety is incredibly empowering. It gives me a sense of control I haven’t felt for about 4 years. Ironically, diving into my anxious feelings makes them unimportant, and usually I feel better even though this is not my expectation. I certainly am no zen master at this yet, but I know I am on the right track for once.
I know nothing physically bad is going to happen to me, so I am just diving right into the feelings and thoughts when they crop up without trying to wrangle with making myself feel better. I think this is what “acceptance” will look like for me. Moving into my anxious thinking is proving to remove the fear of all these negative thoughts, and I find myself able to think about other more enjoyable aspects of living – not just anxiety relief. I know I still have a ways to go, but I finally feel like I’m on the right track. I have to practice not going into “fix mode” and just live with whatever may come.
I’m able to do this about 25% of the time, and it’s been about two weeks. I expect that with about a year’s practice under my belt – I may get to 100%. Then anxiety just won’t matter any more. I really think this is the way out of anxiety hell.
Thanks for all your insights and all you do for anxious people. You, Paul, are a true inspiration to me. The few coaching sessions with you have been amazing, and have helped lead me to this new place of acceptance.
Hope this is helpful to somebody.
Thanks Paul
This was a really helpful programme. It spoke to where I am at with my anxiety. In particular, I strongly believe that there needs to be a way of bridging the gap between acceptance approaches and CBT. Accepting your anxiety is impossible I think if you do not challenge the underlying belief that gives anxiety its power. I have started to make progress recently by doing this and realise that I can only fully accept the thoughts and feelings when I really believe that they are not going to destroy me and how I have constructed that belief. I spend a lot of time thinking about my anxiety which seems to go against acceptance but now can see that I do this because there is something to work out, and I need to constantly confront how I feel and unmask the ways it takes on power. I also believe that once this happens anxiety can be what it should be which is a teacher, leading you to make necessary changes in your life.
Well said Derrick and Chris… I particularly connected with something Derrick said:
“I think this is what “acceptance” will look like for me.”
Acceptance will look completely different for each person, and will probably even evolve within yourself over time.
I’ve recently been experiencing real moments of peace for the first time in a long time… But I’ve had to deal with learning how to deal with and accept relapses as they come. I need to accept the anxiety, accept I’m having a bad day, and that I haven’t lost the war. Focus on the hard work you’ve done and move forward.
Thanks for sharing everyone, and as always thanks to you Paul for doing what you do.
Todd – It sounds like we are in a similar place. The setbacks are tough. I had a great day yesterday, just leaning right into anxious thoughts. Today has been tough. Life doesn’t have the courtesy to lift normal stressors while we recover. Sometimes they even get piled on heavier. It is hard not to lose hope, but it is so important to have faith in acceptance working. I think I often lose perspective on just how much progress I have made. I am very far from square one, but it is hard to feel that at times. Good luck in your recovery and thanks for sharing!
This is a tricky subject, and what works for one person may not be as effective for another.
I’ve always found that trying to push anxiety from my mind seldom worked. Instead it was best to just accept it was there, give it no more thought and get on with what I needed to do despite the way I felt.
When I stopped caring about it, the anxiety gave up its hold over me. It lost its power because I didn’t fear it anymore. I stopped trying to fight it, and instead used it as my motivation to not let it stop me doing what I wanted to do.
It’s a great feeling. But you still have to be aware of the bad moments, which can come out of the blue. Don’t revert to the old methods of avoidance and carry on your day.
Hugo