Are We Bothering Others?

Today’s guest post is brought to you by Daniel Stelter from the Anxiety Support Network.

For many social anxiety sufferers including myself, a common thought that we often struggle with is the belief that we are bothering other people by talking to them or asking them things.

Sometimes, this belief arrives from the experience that when we were so afraid of doing things on our own, we would ask so many questions of others that we actually did end up bothering them.

Once it became clear to us that we were overstepping our bounds and asking too many questions, we went over to the other extreme by refusing to ask any questions, or we carefully considered each and every question and only asked a minimal amount of questions.

The good news for us social anxiety sufferers is that it is simply our perception that we are bothering others that is distorted, and that it is okay for us to ask questions and get help from others.

One situation that arises that has caused us to shy away from asking questions is that in many cases we were encouraged to ask questions.  Our employer may have said,”Please, ask questions at any time.  We encourage it.”  Or, a parent may have said,”Ask me if you don’t know what to do.”

These statements made it seem like asking for help was okay, but then when we actually asked the questions, responses such as,”I told you that already,” or,”You should never do that!”  These statements cause us to feel anger, guilt, and shame for having asked such “stupid” questions.

However, the reality of the situation that I have learned over time is that the people who instantaneously condemned me for the questions that I asked were in fact unreasonable people who could not control their tempers.

Future interactions with other people and employers would show that a certain amount of questions are okay, and even though I still fear that I am becoming too much by asking so many questions, I rarely ever ask too many and overstep my bounds.  It is a learned skill just like anything else.

The need to ask too many questions really stems from a dependency on others to do things for us because we are too scared and unconfident in our own ability to do things.  Part of the natural solution to overcoming the fear of bothering others is to gain experience in doing whatever it is that causing fear.  Is a particular task at work causing you lots of fear?

The answer may be to do the task head-on several times until you feel really confident that you can do it.  Or, if you are like I was when I was working in corporate IT, you may learn that you are in the wrong job!

Is a loved one who encourages you to ask questions acting as though you are a bother despite the fact you were encouraged to do so?  Have a conversation with that person and find out what really is going on because if a person is encouraging you to ask questions but is still getting angry, the real issue is not about how many questions you are asking.

If, after a few tough conversations you find that there is no real progress, then it is probably the case that this particular loved one is simply not emotionally ready to deal with this situation.

The real truth in asking other people questions is that we are rarely actually bothering them if we ask them the same question twice or less.  Any more than that, and people start to get irritated.  Social anxiety sufferers typically do not ask enough questions, the only way we grow as people is to learn, and a large part of learning involves asking questions.

Asking questions is a great skill to have, and it exudes an attitude of confidence and humility to ask questions.  After having read this article, consider your life more carefully.  Were the questions that you asked actually bothering other people, or were those people in the wrong?  Chances are that your self-perception is off, and you are really not a bother, but instead a pleasure, to have!