This week’s guest post was written by C, a member of the AG community. She wrote this as a forum post, but I felt that it was too good to keep hidden in the forum. What this post reveals is that recovery is a process and not simply a single insight or idea. It illustrates the many facets of recovery in a clear and meaningful way. I hope it provides you with a new or different perspective. – Paul Dooley
‘No one has ever analyzed or battled their way to recovery.’
Well, no, probably not but neither have I known anyone glide serenely to recovery either. I would say that over-analyzing is part of the condition – it’s taken me a long time to realize that and learn to accept it as another offshoot of anxiety. I spent many months beating myself up over it and trying to force myself not to do it which was just adding more stress.
And, for many people, there is a certain amount of thinking and rationalizing that needs to be done in order to challenge false beliefs, particularly at the beginning. For me, I have seen my recovery falling into
3 broad stages:
1) Having complete belief in my anxious thoughts and feeling completely overwhelmed by them. Feeling a sense of terror about my thoughts and feelings. Difficulty in functioning. This was the stage where I undertook lots of desperate information-seeking.
2) Still feeling anxious thoughts strongly but with some rational feelings running alongside them. This stage was uncomfortable as it felt like I was arguing with myself for hours at a time. It was this stage where I was the most hard on myself and worried that I was doing something wrong. But, even though it was tough, it still felt better than stage one!
3) Longer periods of calm but still with anxious thoughts and fairly regular checking-in on myself. Much more able to meet any anxious thoughts with a ‘yeah, right’ mentality. I can see how this stage can progress to complete recovery.
But I haven’t moved through these stages calmly – I’ve found myself ricocheting backwards and forwards between them, very much two steps forwards three steps back!
Coming to terms with this process has been one of the hardest things of all for me but a crucial part of recovery I think. Thinking that I was somehow doing something wrong every time I had an analytical thought or felt resistant to my experience was a very damaging emotion for me. Now, when I have a bad spell, I’m more able to say to myself ‘oh yes, that’s just stage two, it will pass’ rather than killing myself for it.
I’m getting there in my own way and finally learning that recovery can be a messy process. I most certainly did not just wake up one morning and stop analyzing or feeling resistance – these thoughts, emotions and feelings have kept coming throughout and it was only when I realized that they were all part and parcel of the anxiety state, that I began to feel a little more at peace with them.
Realizing this has helped me to get better. Realizing that I could not just wake up one morning with the right attitude but that it would emerge slowly as I plugged away alongside it all.
So what I did do was carry on living my life. I applied for jobs, threw myself into socializing, joined the PTA, started exercising daily and tried to build purpose into my life. I’ve realized that forums, whilst they have been an amazing source of support at times of real crisis, have also been a serious source of confusion and doubt.
I learned to rely less heavily on internet support and speak more with friends instead. I organized weekly talks with an anxiety coach once and week which has been helpful, if only to help me build a sense of self-confidence and trust in myself.
It’s a strange one but what has helped for me is a combination of throwing myself into life and new situations (a sort of intense distraction if you like) but simultaneously learning to be gentle with myself about all the feelings and thoughts going on in my head. Learning not to berate myself over ANY aspect of my experience. Realizing that I did need to go through a stage of unpicking and talking through some of my fears and thoughts in order to reach that stage of meeting them with the great, big ‘whatever’
For me it has not been a completely effortless, passive experience. I have not just been able to let it all be there and be done with it. There has been some self-talk, some positive rationalization and some pulling myself up by the bootstraps. There has been a lot of circular, pointless thinking but also some more constructive thinking. The fear has very gradually died down – sometimes just on it’s own and sometimes with a little self-directed effort.
I think what I’m trying to say is that it was a combination of things that has helped me to see improvements. Some behavioral, some cognitive and some emotional. Acceptance is something that, for me, has emerged as a result of all these things coming together over time rather than a concept in itself that I’ve been able to master. In fact, whenever I’ve tried to use it in this way I just end up with a headache!
If I could sum up the essence of what I’ve found helpful during my recovery it’s the combination of being tough on myself behaviorally (in order to create plenty of purposeful distraction) and very, very soft on myself emotionally. It’s a funny old one to master but doable over time.
But find the people who help you and make you feel better. If it’s forums, great, exercise, great, meditation, great. But carve your own path and try not to feel disheartened if you’re progressing in a different way to others. If something is making you feel worse then change it. I think, in order to find that strong, inner voice that Claire Weekes is talking about you have to work to build it yourself and develop trust and confidence in your own intellect and spirit to show you the way. And, if you can’t then find someone else who can help you to do it.
Totally agree. It’s like riding a horse with three legs and each day never being quite sure which one will be missing.
I had my first panic attack about 10 years ago. I worked through this, as I had young children and started my own business. Four years ago my husband had a cardiac arrest in bed and was non responsive for 20 minutes it was only the CPR from the neighbour and the amazing work of the paramedics as to why he is here today. This was the start of my anxiousness again, I find that I am getting very frustrated with myself as I know my anxiousness cannot hurt me, but I have also had years in between of calmness and being my old self. I found this post amazing Would love to hear a podcast interview on this.
That was an awesome comment! It summed up recovery perfectly!!
What an awesome post! Thanks to C for taking the time to share. It always gives me hope to hear the stories of people who are recovered or well on the way!
Very good post!! Hopeful and enlightening! Love further podcast on this as well.
everyone must find what works for them. this takes a long time of repeated reading of what works for you until you have ‘brainwashed’ your mind into realizing that what we are experiencing is anxiety in its many forms.
for many years I thought I was the only one who felt these things, eg., panic attacks, feeling like I was frozen and immobilized in mud I was so tense, fear of feeling fear in certain situations. over the past year I seem to have had a breakthrough in terms of finally believing that thoughts can’t hurt you, they have no power so don’t imagine they do. its very hard to break old anxiety habits and hard to face situations you need to face and not avoid them because you feel anxious. it all takes time but it can be done. I found being kind to myself was the best way for me to deal with my anxiety, yoga breathing, totally relaxing my body and knowing it will pass.
I noticed a lot of people stating to get back into certain activities in life that gave them a sense of purpose.
In my case I have had anxiety for long waves in my life. It revolves around being stuck in dead end situations that do not change.
Out of curiosity what would you do when given this situation :
Not able to work (have tried many jobs from small meaningless jobs, to high up very well paying jobs, taking time off all together) – having panic attacks to the point that working is not an option.
I have changed my living situation, changed jobs (even tried to start my own), seen therapists, psychologist, taken every medicine available, meditation, local anxiety groups, finished my degree, essential oils, breathing techniques, read different books etc.
I am now not able to bring in much money, working side jobs, having panic attacks almost daily, feeling depressed, living with my fiances parents and it seems like it is only getting worse.
I have tried changing my thoughts, addressing my thoughts, just giving up all together and saying I have anxiety and I will get through this only to end up stuck in bad situations. I do not know how people at age 24 can afford to go to therapists, take medicine and get through this.
It seems that every day is becoming the same and there is no next step to take except to battle anxiety even more that day hoping things will change. How can they change if working is not an option which leads to no money to move and in turn keeps you in the same situation.
Dan? I swore a long time ago that I would never again comment on this site (perhaps others find me abrasive?); but since Paul has deserted us, I feel I must say something to you. I feel your pain! Since you are tediously monitoring yourself, it may be time to take note of small victories. You may have to ook harder to find them, but I assure you they are there if you really mull it over. Maybe your first victory could be that you reached out on this post? It is a really long journey but so worth it. I saw your post and immediately prayed for you. What Jesus teaches on positive attitudes is so true. We all slide back, but keep hitching your star on that tiny little improvement and you will see your way through. God bless your endeavors.
Anita, your response to Dan was very encouraging. However, the statement “Paul has deserted us” is a tad harsh and negative (without any evidence of truth.) He is a human being, like you and I, with a life that he must lead as well. Instead of taking such a negative stance on the situation, you could pray for Paul. Pray that he is able to make it through his tests and reach his goal of becoming licensed. Pray that this break he’s taking, leaves him feeling rejuvenated and ready to come back to help us all who are struggling with anxiety. Best wishes.
Gracie! Back off! It was s joke. Leave the poor man alone. He did his time. Eight years of his life is not enough for you?
This post is so comforting and helpful to me as I navigate the dicey seas of recovery. Thank you!
“combination of being tough on myself behaviorally (in order to create plenty of purposeful distraction) and very, very soft on myself emotionally. ”
I cannot agree more with above statement which really sums up a very good concise piece of advice.
I have recurring anxiety and intensely dislike it and berated myself. So the part about being very very soft on oneself emotionally is something I’m trying to practise.
Thank you for this article
Thank you for this post. It sums my recovery exactly.
It has made me realise I can beat this!