Have you ever been so mad that you thought you were going to lose it?
That happened to me not too long ago and it taught me a valuable lesson.
I hate to admit it, but I hold grudges. It probably comes from my mom’s side of the family, but wherever it comes from I hate that I’m like that.
Holding grudges or staying angry I found only does two things for me:
A. It makes me angrier and B. It makes me resentful. That’s about it. I don’t gain a thing from being angry.
I recently had a misunderstanding with someone because they criticized something I did. The criticism was fair but it made me feel vulnerable and foolish.
I think I overreacted, in fact I know I did, and that reaction made my anger the issue.
It made the “situation” spiral out of control, at least emotionally.
Here’s what I learned.
1. Being resentful hurts you more than it hurts anyone else.
2. There is a definite relationship between anger and stress.
3. Magnifying the importance of small things is harmful.
I mentioned this only because I’m sure that you may be feeling stressed. Perhaps you’re irritable and get locked in your thoughts when you’re upset. That’s understandable.
The thing to remember is that getting angry is OK, staying angry isn’t.
Staying angry hurts you because it allows a problem to grow and take on meaning that it was never supposed to. It also makes things awkward when they don’t need to be.
What’s the take home lesson? I’d say its learning how to forgive quickly. That doesn’t mean that you let people step all over you, or that you even forget about being treated badly.
It just means that it’s more helpful to try to see things from other people’s perspective, to keep things in context, and to not take yourself so seriously.
It was a hard lesson for me to get through my thick head. But now I see that letting go of anger, forgiving, and moving on does good things to your level of stress. It brings it down in a hurry.
How do you handle anger?
This is such a great point, Paul.
I’ve been dealing with lots of anxiety and stress this year because of school and work, and I always attributed my excess of anxiety to something like overwork or perhaps not getting enough sleep. It wasn’t until I started to see that emotional- and to some extent, inner-conflict can contribute greatly to our problem. Or, at the least, it doesn’t exactly make things better. I still find myself getting wrapped up in my thoughts of embarrassment and anger, but I’ve been doing the best I can to make good with the situations I have.
In fact, it was my father who told me about the possible connection. It just made perfect sense after I started researching the topic further.
As always, great article!
Hey William I can really relate. I go to school full time and work full time AND have a family… so on and so forth, lots of stress.
The point you made about anger and embarrassment is spot on. When I get angry and stay angry it’s emabarrassing – inside and out.
I have really internalized what I said in the post. I hope to do better in the future.
Hang in there, wearing many hats is difficult!
It took me a year to get a copy of my husbands medical records from the military after he died, I had to go through two congressman to get them. When I read them, the words showed that he received substandard care while active duty. I felt true rage build inside me. I learned that rage was overwhelming in comparison to anger. I had thought I was enraged at times when my kids were teenagers-far from it. Rage was an emotion I had never experienced before or since then. I was on an emotional roller coaster for years. It wasn’t one or two people who were to blame, it was the system and multiple people who continually screwed up… My rage became anger at the military medical system. People would tell me I “need to forgive”. I would ask, How do you forgive an entity for killing your husband? In reality, that is what their substandard care did. When I won my battle against the government, it was a bitter-sweet victory.
I still feel anger build inside when I see or hear of injustices occurring. I try very hard to tell myself not to take things personally. I try to tell myself that it is the other persons issue and not to make it mine.
I was waiting in long line at a store. I could feel the annoyance/anger building in me. Logically, I knew there was no reason to be annoyed/angry. A man behind me said something that was an instant defuse of the unpleasant feelings in me. I wish I could recall what he said. Whatever he said was correct about the situation. I could literally feel the anger leave my body, and I had not said one word.
My anger is not the knee-jerk reaction it once was, I still have a long way to go. Learning to control your thoughts is very hard.
as a Christian, we learn to let go of anger, and respectfully forgive, but there is another part to it, which is if youre struck on the cheek, to offer the other side, to be struck again. Its about loving your neighbors (including enemies), as yourself. To do unto others as you would have them do unto you. People treat you the same way you treat them. It goes along way to showing your anger towards someone, but then you cant let it sit there, and eat at you. You gotta offer the other cheek, and just move on. If not, all you’ll be doing is planning revenge and holding a grudge. Now if it were justice you were after..fine then… get your justice, just as long as its constructive, and not destructive revenge. Game theory… win/win outcomes.
Great topic, Paul… and as usual.. timely. 🙂
I’ve been having some anger or frustration issues as of late, which is really not like me. I think it may be part of benzo withdrawal. I had some earlier in my WD, only for a couple days. Having a bit the last couple days but I know it will pass. It can be a side-effect of anxiety as you well-know, too. For me, I try to remember that it’s mostly chemical and no state (anger/anxiety/depression) is permanent. In fact, states like this are by-nature… transient. Their purpose is to act in transient states.
So, I just try to accept and float through it, like with my anxiety. My problem is, sometimes the emotions scare me… and then that creates another dynamic. I guess there’s something about emotions that you don’t have control of that is scary. So, I’m working on losing that fear. I’m told as I do… it’ll all go away. You’ve taught us that in many different ways yourself, of course. This might be an interesting podcast topic. (Anger and emotions we don’t have control of and the fear, etc.)
But, I digress.
Thanks for everything, Paul. We deeply appreciate it!
Thanks for this topic Paul…I agree timely and oh so helpful…
Letting anger go b/c at a certain point it hurts you more than the other person is so true. Thank you Paul for this reminder. A good reminder to try to let the anger/resentment/anxiety/stress go gently instead of staying there and getting tenser and tenser and righter and righter and more and more miserable. I was married to a man with a substance abuse problem, young kids…lots of anger and resentment there–I was a righteous mess. Now when something happens that makes me upset or angry.I don’t like it but I try to think that I cannot control what happened or how the person acted. I only have control over how I respond; that is my choice…and it doesn’t feel good to me to carry around the anger so I’m trying more and more to let it go. Sometimes it works and sometimes not, but as I try it more and more I find that life just happens in a better way. I sleep better and accept more and am happier despite what other nutty things are happening around me.
Someone once said that harboring anger and resentment is a way of trying to control the universe which is uncontrollable at times. So your choices are vent and harbor resentment and get tenser and tenser or vent and then sit quietly and let it go.
@Bryan – Hey Bryan, you make an excellent point. Part of the difficulty with anger, and other strong emotions, is that they do tend to take over. It’s scary because to some extent you don’t feel like yourself when those emotions are present, it’s very primal and feels a little out of control in that regard.
I suppose that’s why anxiety is difficult to handle because it’s also a primal, instinctual emotion. I also think that anxiety makes us sensitive to other emotions like anger and sadness. It’s a cruel cycle but like you mentioned accepting our emotions is really the best way to learn how not to be controlled by them.
@Jill – “Harboring anger and resentment is a way of trying to control the universe which is uncontrollable at times.” Love this line. So true.
I have a huge problem with anger. When I try expressing myself with others, they either misinterpret what I’ve said or invalidate what I’ve said. I become very angry at this, which leads to being made fun of and social exclusion. I tend to avoid people, since how I express myself seems socally unacceptable. This leads to more anger.
Anger is the ignition switch for my anxiety. A few weeks ago, my wife said something to me that pissed me off. It was something innocent but it bothered me. I became inraged and began saying hurtfull things to her.
This only led to an argument and me leaving the house for a couple of hours. When I calmed down, I apologized for some of my comments. We talked and even discussed breaking up after 24 years of marriage. That talk was quickly extinquished but I began to feel embarrassed for acting the way I did. Before I knew it, anxiety began to set in.
I am now in the midst of an anxiety episode that will probably last a few weeks. Believe me, I am far from an abusive person and most of the time I am pretty laid back. But every once in a while, during periods of stress, I can flip out when i feel provoked. One thing is for sure, anxiety ALWAYS follows anger. Its a big price to pay for sweating little things.