Today, I get personal.
But it’s not because I’m looking for undue attention, it’s because I thought it was the best way to describe how anxiety can come between you and the people you love.
I also wanted to show you how you can overcome this phenomenon.
At the height of my anxiety my wife and had problems, to say the least. I often had my head in the clouds and did nothing but complain about my anxiety.
Eventually my wife and I ended up in a cold war of sorts. Unable to come together fully, but still had to try and find ways to deal with one another that didn’t involve anger or heartache.
In the end, we got to a place where anxiety no longer took a toll on our relationship. The road there was messy and didn’t have marked lines, but we relied on a few things that brought us together and today I want to share with you what those things were.
To You and Your Loved One(s)
1. Be Honest
Honesty is crucial for any relationship. Lose this and you will have problems. With respect to anxiety, it’s important to be honest about how you both feel about the situation. How it’s affecting you and what things you’d like to change.
This isn’t about being hurtful or mean spirited, but it is about setting clear expectations so there is no confusion as to what you want from your loved one and visa versa.
2. Show Empathy
To lessen the effect of anxiety on your relationship it’s helpful to see the situation from the other person’s perspective. How do they feel? What are they dealing with on a daily basis?
Being empathetic allows you to lower your agitation and anger meter because you’ll be able to identify with the other person’s concerns. And by doing that you’ll see that you’re not always in the right! It also sets the stage for compromise and cooperation, both of which are also key to jumping the hurdle of long term anxiety.
3. Be Understanding
It’s important to note that as an anxiety sufferer you are going through a lot, but that doesn’t mean that you’re the only one suffering. Anxiety really can be a family affair and affects everyone close to you.
At the same time, it’s also important for loved ones to realize that this isn’t a fake illness. Anxiety disorder is real and it hurts. It’s important to respect the concerns and fears of an anxiety sufferer because for them there isn’t anything more real or potentially harmful. Ultimately, this isn’t easy on anyone.
For Loved Ones
1. Use Positive Language
Anxiety can be frustrating to deal with, so anger and frustration can certainly take over. When that happens you might say something, or use a certain tone, that just isn’t going to help or might even create new issues.
Being honest with someone doesn’t require callousness or verbal abuse. You can be honest, compassionate, and helpful by using sympathetic language that is sincere above all else. Show them you care and try not to let your negative emotions or impatience get the better of you.
2. Be Ready to Problem Solve
Speaking of being kind, being gentle and reassuring is a great way to help your anxious love or family member, but that’s not all that’s needed. Anxiety makes it hard to use logical thinking, so at times you’ll have to not just offer emotional support, but also suggest and assist with a plan of action.
You gotta ask yourself, “What are we doing to end this anxiety business?” If the answer to that question is nothing then this has to change. In other words, offer that verbal support, but also talk about what can actually be done toward resolving the problem.
3. Get Educated
One of the most important things you can do is to get educated. People with anxiety require a lot of support, but it’s difficult to provide useful help if you don’t know what you’re up against.
Not only that, as the calmer of the two, it’s likely that you’ll receive the same information differently, perhaps allowing you to explain the problem and its solution in easy to understand terms. It also allows to you to offer more than one liners like, “You’ll be OK, don’t worry.”
Sometimes you have to be able to explain why they will be OK by describing how adrenaline works on the body or something along those lines. Being educated about anxiety just makes you a better source of calm and security.
For the Anxiety Sufferer
1. Don’t be Selfish
Although you’re not doing it on purpose, you’ve got to realize that you’re being self-centered at times. Anxiety certainly has the capacity to make you get lost in worry and self-reflection, but you can resist this tendency by purposefully doing things with your loved ones.
Go places, join in activities, make plans for others to join you. In short, be social and don’t allow anxiety to isolate you from those around you.
2. Stay Under Control
Having anxiety isn’t a license to act out. So you don’t want to do negative things then blame your anxiety for it. Not cool.
3. No Complaining
One of the hallmarks of being an anxious person is constant complaining. Seriously, if complaining were an Olympic sport then the gold, silver, and bronze would go to anxious people.
Although you might have an urge to complain, it’s a much better idea to keep it to a minimum. Firstly, you have to train yourself to deal with episodes of anxiety given that someone isn’t always going to be there to calm you down.
Second, you don’t want to put undue stress on your loved one(s) and make them feel like a broken record.
Try to reserve complaining for times when you know you’re in trouble and are on the verge of, or in a panic. Otherwise you run the risk of crying wolf and desensitizing everyone around you to your bouts of anxiety.
You want your loved ones to be there for you, paying attention and ready to help. If you complain too much those around you might start saying things like, “Oh boy here we go again, humdrum.” Keep the anxiety special so to speak.
4. Take Responsibility
In the end, you have to take responsibility for getting better. It’s wonderful when loved ones can help out, but realize that you’re the one that has to do the hard work. No one else can heal you but you.
It’s also helpful to take responsibility for healing because if you’re loved ones see you trying to get better then it makes it more likely that you”ll keep their support and won’t get lost in arguments or bitterness connected to anxiety related behavior.
Remember, when those around you see you putting up a good fight then it is more likely that they’ll join in on your behalf.
Conclusion
It can be easy to get angry at an anxious person, or to have anxiety and feel alienated. But that’s why it’s important to not let anxiety come between you. You’re far better off working together, as a team, to get this situation under control.
Now, like I said at the outset of this post, today I get personal. Didn’t do that in this article because that would have turned into a book, so instead my wife joined me on the most recent episode of the Anxiety Guru Show.
In this podcast we talked about all the issues I mentioned above and about how we dealt with anxiety as a couple. I hope that us sharing our experiences will help you in your quest to strengthen your relationships.
Press play now to listen.
Note: You can also find the Anxiety Guru Show on iTunes.
music by DoKashiteru.
photo credit: Going to STATE Teamwork by Josephgilbert.org.
Special Thanks to Bryan3000
Thanks to you and your wife for an excellent podcast!
You’re welcome Sue, be had a blast doing this episode of the Anxiety Guru Show.
Great thanks to you both – a great insight from your wife. It reaffirms I just don’t want to be ‘that way’ – as in the winey girl with anxiety who isn’t moving on in her life. Although I am getting somewhere these days. My favourite comment was about not being present. Thank you. Very helpful.
Great podcast! Thank you so much for what you do, I am so thankful that I found this site and podcasts
Paul, thanks for the kind words… and I’ll always help however I can. This is such important work you’re doing.
Great show. Hearing your wife was a pleasant surprise. What a great idea.
Tell her thanks from all of us for the insight.
Look forward to the next episode. Take care!
First time on your blog. Initially I was a little turned off by the simplistic approach to such heavy topics. but after listening to your podcast, I was really impressed. Your openness and transparency is extremely refreshing. Hearing your wife’s take on your panic attacks and anxiety was a great perspective. I hope I can form a bond someday with my future wife like you have with yours.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Steve. I appreciate the feedback. I’d say you’re right about my approach being simple, and I think for a lot of people that’s what they need, at least at first. Obviously this is a complicated issue that can be resolved several different ways to be sure.
And you’re right about my wife and I. I feel extremely lucky to have her in my life.
Thank you so much for doing this post and podcast on the subject of relationships. I was one of the people who asked you about this subject a few months ago, and whether this was in direct response to my query or not, I can tell you I’m extremely grateful for you and your wife’s sharing and advice. I’ve been finding my relationship with an anxiety sufferer very difficult lately and this really gives me hope and a wider perspective.
I wondered if your wife (or any other partners) would be willing to enter into any further discussion or answer any further questions, either here or a separate forum?
Sure thing flo. Ask away.
Thanks! I suppose the main difficulty I have is the one of using the right tone of voice and edges of frustration creeping in, even when I’m pretty sure I didn’t mean to say what he has interpreted/ heard me say. It does lead to some bad arguments. I feel a bit as though I have to walk on eggshells as an episode will sometimes erupt just when I’m beginning to feel relaxed and apparently inadvertently say something contentious. I want to get the right balance and not be trying too hard to “manage” his mood all the time. Suggesting that it might be his anxiety causing him to misinterpret me often makes things a lot worse! (i.e sounding as though I’m blaming him)
I’ve taken the advice of educating myself about anxiety (hence being here) and find this helpful, being able to remind him that some worry he has is probably to do with his fight-or-flight system giving him stressful thoughts. I’m not sure if this is always the right approach though, and again wonder about getting a balance between him feeling heard and understood (which can lead to getting more deeply involved in the subject of the stress) or of being patronising and a bit dismissive.
The questions these musings point towards are probably something like – does any of this experience sound familiar to anyone else? And could you add any thoughts on ways of dealing with these situations?
Hi I am about to marry a man with anxiety. I have a two year old son that is not biologically his. My sons father is still in his life. But my fiancee does more for my son than his father. My fiancée gets mad or sad when my son calls him his father’s grandfather name. But he is TWO!!!!!! I’m getting frustrated. Saying how embarrassing it will be in public. Just worrying about the wrong things. I don’t know what to do. That’s a little much
Hi there, well I hope you don’t stop the wedding over this! There’s a good chance that you can remedy this issue.
It’s important for you to have a conversation with your fiancee. Something tells me you probably have brought this up, but you might want to change the perspective a little.
See, there’s a good chance that he is on edge about the ex. And by “on edge” I mean insecure. Talk it out with him and try to be as specific as possible about your concerns AND clearly identify his concerns… don’t accept “it just makes me mad,” for example.
He may need to be reassured. About what exactly is for him to say. Seems to me that he isn’t feeling any ill will toward your little one. My 2 cents.
Hope that helps.
Paul
Hi Paul, I have been suffering pf anxiety for a about a year and a half. This has been so tough for me because I didnt even know this anxiety issue existed. I dont know what to do with my ñife sometimes, I feel so miserable and I go to bed scared to death and crying every night. I dont even feel the same with my boyfriend anymore I feel like telling him to go away and I just want to be alone but I know I can’t do this, I love him to death. He does not understand how I feel when anxiety strikes me. He tells me I am distant and cold and I feel he’s right. Is this normal? What do I do? I dont want to lose this wonderful man fue to my condition!
When you’re under a lot of stress depression can become an issue. Wanting be left alone is a natural reaction to depression and feelings of hopelessness.
The best thing to do would be to seek treatment. There are many options but medication and therapy at the same time would be a good place to start.
Paul
I ‘ve had anxiety on the past and have had treatment and I have been well. I have had bad relationships in the past also . I now have a good relationship but at times I have anxiety and cry .I’m trying very hard to control my emotions and anxiety I try to be very open and honest to my boyfriend , by explaining this is how I feel or what I think ,but he seems to have a hard time dealing with it and says I’m just going to keep my mouth shut or gets frustrated at me and walks away .I understand where he’s coming from but it ends up increasing my anxiety.
When in doubt consult the bible and learn the menanig of Grace and Paid in full. Start in Galatians and get a Matthew Henry or Nelson Bible Commentary! Paul was furious with the body of Christ for looking back to the law and not forward at the Cross. Jesus fulfilled the law and no Abraham & Jacob did not tithe as a mandate from God. It was a one time voluntary tithe. However, they were commanded to be circumcised yet this law is never taught. Wake up and think Christians. Jesus paid in full for your free favor.Romans 8:32 Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Give God your heart and your pocket book will follow but you still have no right to think u can pay God for what Jesus already paid for U on the Cross.Galatians 5:4 You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace .Galatians 3:11 So it is clear that no one can be made right with God by trying to keep the law. For the Scriptures say, It is through faith that a righteous person has life. Galatians 3:13 Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law, by being made a curse for us